I am very thankful for Cbeebies. It has been a saviour when the chores can wait no more. Mr Bloom got us through some of the darkest sick days. I actually quite enjoy Raa Raa, and am able to suspend my disbelief that a Lion and a Zebra can be friends. I have been known to get a little bit excited if there is an episode of Charlie & Lola that I have not seen before (bearing in mind I have seen most of them at least 50 times).
However, there is one program that gets me riled up more than the sight of Granny Murray’s knitted cardigan. And maybe a children’s television program is not worth getting my knickers in a twist over, but I feel there are some wrongs that need to be righted! I am talking of course about Topsy & Tim and their smug-face always calm and perfect mother. I can overlook the fact that Topsy and Tim are clearly much older than their alleged 4 years of age. And I can turn a blind eye to the fact that a tantrum has never been seen, and they eat whatever is put in front of them without a single complaint. But I can’t ignore the things in life that just simply wouldn’t happen. If I lived in Topsy and Tim’s world there is a high chance that Brad will leave Angelina to be with me.
Here are the top 5 Misdemeanours of Topsy and Tim Episodes
(and believe me there are many, many more. In every episode!)
1 Helping Dad
This episode see’s Topsy and Tim’s Dad trying to decorate his bedroom as a surprise for Mummy. All OK so far. Until he enlists the twins help in wallpapering. Ummm seriously? Have you ever done crafts with kids? I mean have you seen the havoc they can wreak when let loose with a paintbrush and glue? Who in their right minds thinks preschoolers helping with DIY is a good idea? Any sane parent removes the small people from the house when DIY projects commence.
But that’s not all. When Dad is struggling with the wallpapering the twins decide to ask DIY Derek (Don’t even get me started on the name) for his help. How do they do this? Well they look his number up in their Mum’s address book (very nineties) and dial the number. All by themselves. At 4 years old!
And to add further insult to completely unrealistic injury, DIY Derek is available at the drop of a hat to come help! Does that reek of a shoddy tradesman to anyone else?
2 Nursery Photo
It’s the twins last day at Nursery school and they are having a class photo. However the Nursery school is closed for the day because a wasp’s nest has been discovered. Topsy and Tim are very disappointed. Not to worry, Tony Welsh’s Dad suggests they invite all their Nursery Friends round to Topsy and Tim’s house for the last day of Nursery school. This is met by much whooping and cheering and “double Pleeeeaaasseee Mummy”. Instead of punching Tony Welsh’s Dad square in the face, Smug-face Mummy thinks it’s a great idea and get’s straight on the phone to Miss Maypole the Nursery School teacher.
Next thing you know Miss Maypole arrives with a whole gaggle of children at Topsy and Tim’s house. For TV purposes I can suspend my disbelief that it took no time at all to phone all parents and inform them of the change of venue. But did anyone make Ofsted aware? I mean has Smug-face Mummy been CRB checked? Has her home been approved as a place for childcare? Does she realise what she has let herself in for?
Not to mention the fact that after seeing this episode for the first time my son thought it would be a great idea if he could invite all of his playgroup round to our house. NO!
3 Marble Run
Topsy and Tim have friends over. The boys build a marble run toy whilst the girls make their own from the contents of the recycling box. Dear oh dear where do I start? Do I start with the fact that no one has that many empty tubes in their recycling? What about the fact that the girls make a huge marble run without any assistance whatsoever from an adult. And parts of the tubes are cut out so you can see the marble roll through it which must mean *shock horror* they used scissors unsupervised. Maybe it’s the fact that 4 four-year olds play happily together with out any “he said” “she said” arguments.
But my biggest bug bear with this episode is the marble run toy that Tim and Tony build together. Quite happily. On their own. My Son has this marble run, and let me tell you building it is no mean feet. I believe qualified engineers would struggle to build this contraption of bright coloured plastic. And even when you think you have done it and excitedly drop the first marble, you will discover you have done it wrong as the marble disappears into a dead end you somehow created.
By the time the marble run is built the kids have lost interest anyway.
I’ve lost a day to building this thing
4 Wrapping Paper
Topsy and Tim are very excited to be going to a birthday party. Smug-face Mummy has all bases covered. The present, the card and the wrapping paper is all being delivered with the shopping.
Again I shall ignore the fact that the twins are on first name terms with Rosie the delivery driver. Maybe they just get better customer service than me. But 6 very small bags of shopping? Is that it? You do have twins you know? There’s no way that’s a weeks shop!
Anyway, major crisis, the wrapping paper hasn’t been delivered. Does Smug-face Mummy spend 20 minutes on hold to customer services? No. First she phones Daddy, but Daddy is too busy to help. “OK” Smug-face Mummy says without the slightest hint of anger or “what do you think I do all day”. Topsy and Tim decide to make their own wrapping paper by painting. And guess what by bath time the hand-made paper is dry and ready to wrap. Really? In my house my small people’s
big splodges of paint art has been known to take up to a week to dry!
And guess what, at the end of the episode the delivery driver comes back with the wrapping paper. seriously what do you have to do to get that kinds of service?
5 Itchy Heads
Yes you’ve guessed it, the twins get nits for the first time. Of course Smug-face Mummy doesn’t act like any normal Mummy and panic and start frantically itching her own head and crying. No she simply produces a nit comb and begins combing. Who already has a nit comb before their kids have nits? And if you did would you seriously remember where you put the damn thing. Smug-face Mummy is putting us to shame. She even hugs the nit infested twins. Proper head to head hug. Where’s her self preservation?!
And there is not a single tear in the entire episode. Even when Topsy is having her LONG hair combed within an inch of its life. And Smug-face Mummy doesn’t tell her to “keep her head still.” Not even once. The episode ends with dancing. Yes Dancing. What about all the sheets and towels you need to wash Smug-face Mummy. Not to mention your own sleek and shiny hair.
Shove off Topsy and Tim and leave me with Mr Bloom and his singing vegetables.
Image (c) Cbeebies
Come to Mamma!
This is what really happens when you do DIY and the kids get nits or chickenpox…
DIY Before Kids vs DIY After Kids
How Not To Deal With Nits in 8 Easy Steps
The Chickenpox House
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An interview with Jocelyn McNabb (AKA Topsy)