I am very thankful for Cbeebies.  It has been a saviour when the chores can wait no more.  Mr Bloom got us through some of the darkest sick days.  I actually quite enjoy Raa Raa, and am able to suspend my disbelief that a Lion and a Zebra can be friends.  I have been known to get a little bit excited if there is an episode of Charlie & Lola that I have not seen before (bearing in mind I have seen most of them at least 50 times).

However, there is one program that gets me riled up more than the sight of Granny Murray’s knitted cardigan.  And maybe a children’s television program is not worth getting my knickers in a twist over, but I feel there are some wrongs that need to be righted!  I am talking of course about Topsy & Tim and their smug-face always calm and perfect mother. I can overlook the fact that Topsy and Tim are clearly much older than their alleged 4 years of age.  And I can turn a blind eye to the fact that a tantrum has never been seen, and they eat whatever is put in front of them without a single complaint.  But I can’t ignore the things in life that just simply wouldn’t happen.  If I lived in Topsy and Tim’s world there is a high chance that Brad will leave Angelina to be with me.

 

Here are the top 5 Misdemeanours of Topsy and Tim Episodes

Topsy & Tim

 

(and believe me there are many, many more.  In every episode!)

 

1 Helping Dad

This episode see’s Topsy and Tim’s Dad trying to decorate his bedroom as a surprise for Mummy.  All OK so far.  Until he enlists the twins help in wallpapering.  Ummm seriously? Have you ever done crafts with kids?  I mean have you seen the havoc they can wreak when let loose with a paintbrush and glue?  Who in their right minds thinks preschoolers helping with DIY is a good idea?  Any sane parent removes the small people from the house when DIY projects commence.

But that’s not all.  When Dad is struggling with the wallpapering the twins decide to ask DIY Derek (Don’t even get me started on the name) for his help.  How do they do this? Well they look his number up in their Mum’s address book (very nineties) and dial the number.  All by themselves.  At 4 years old!

And to add further insult to completely unrealistic injury, DIY Derek is available at the drop of a hat to come help!  Does that reek of a shoddy tradesman to anyone else?

 

2 Nursery Photo

It’s the twins last day at Nursery school and they are having a class photo.  However the Nursery school is closed for the day because a wasp’s nest has been discovered.  Topsy and Tim are very disappointed.  Not to worry, Tony Welsh’s Dad suggests they invite all their Nursery Friends round to Topsy and Tim’s house for the last day of Nursery school.  This is met by much whooping and cheering and “double Pleeeeaaasseee Mummy”.  Instead of punching Tony Welsh’s Dad square in the face, Smug-face Mummy thinks it’s a great idea and get’s straight on the phone to Miss Maypole the Nursery School teacher.

Next thing you know Miss Maypole arrives with a whole gaggle of children at Topsy and Tim’s house.  For TV purposes I can suspend my disbelief that it took no time at all to phone all parents and inform them of the change of venue.  But did anyone make Ofsted aware?  I mean has Smug-face Mummy been CRB checked?  Has her home been approved as a place for childcare?  Does she realise what she has let herself in for?

Not to mention the fact that after seeing this episode for the first time my son thought it would be a great idea if he could invite all of his playgroup round to our house.  NO!

 

3 Marble Run

Topsy and Tim have friends over.  The boys build a marble run toy whilst the girls make their own from the contents of the recycling box.  Dear oh dear where do I start?  Do I start with the fact that no one has that many empty tubes in their recycling?  What about the fact that the girls make a huge marble run without any assistance whatsoever from an adult.  And parts of the tubes are cut out so you can see the marble roll through it which must mean *shock horror* they used scissors unsupervised.  Maybe it’s the fact that 4 four-year olds play happily together with out any “he said” “she said” arguments.

But my biggest bug bear with this episode is the marble run toy that Tim and Tony build together.  Quite happily.  On their own.  My Son has this marble run, and let me tell you building it is no mean feet.  I believe qualified engineers would struggle to build this contraption of bright coloured plastic.  And even when you think you have done it and excitedly drop the first marble, you will discover you have done it wrong as the marble disappears into a dead end you somehow created.

By the time the marble run is built the kids have lost interest anyway.

Topsy & Tim

I’ve lost a day to building this thing

 

4 Wrapping Paper

Topsy and Tim are very excited to be going to a birthday party.  Smug-face Mummy has all bases covered.  The present, the card and the wrapping paper is all being delivered with the shopping.

Again I shall ignore the fact that the twins are on first name terms with Rosie the delivery driver.  Maybe they just get better customer service than me.  But 6 very small bags of shopping?  Is that it?  You do have twins you know?  There’s no way that’s a weeks shop!

Anyway, major crisis, the wrapping paper hasn’t been delivered.  Does Smug-face Mummy spend 20 minutes on hold to customer services?  No.  First she phones Daddy, but Daddy is too busy to help.  “OK” Smug-face Mummy says without the slightest hint of anger or “what do you think I do all day”.  Topsy and Tim decide to make their own wrapping paper by painting.  And guess what by bath time the hand-made paper is dry and ready to wrap. Really?  In my house my small people’s big splodges of paint art has been known to take up to a week to dry!

And guess what, at the end of the episode the delivery driver comes back with the wrapping paper.  seriously what do you have to do to get that kinds of service?

 

5 Itchy Heads

Yes you’ve guessed it, the twins get nits for the first time.  Of course Smug-face Mummy doesn’t act like any normal Mummy and panic and start frantically itching her own head and crying.  No she simply produces a nit comb and begins combing.  Who already has a nit comb before their kids have nits?  And if you did would you seriously remember where you put the damn thing.  Smug-face Mummy is putting us to shame.  She even hugs the nit infested twins. Proper head to head hug.  Where’s her self preservation?!

And there is not a single tear in the entire episode.  Even when Topsy is having her LONG hair combed within an inch of its life.  And Smug-face Mummy doesn’t tell her to “keep her head still.” Not even once.  The episode ends with dancing.  Yes Dancing.  What about all the sheets and towels you need to wash Smug-face Mummy.  Not to mention your own sleek and shiny hair.

 

Shove off Topsy and Tim and leave me with Mr Bloom and his singing vegetables.

topsy & Tim

Image (c) Cbeebies

Brad Come to Mamma!

 

This is what really happens when you do DIY and the kids get nits or chickenpox…

DIY Before Kids vs DIY After Kids

How Not To Deal With Nits in 8 Easy Steps

The Chickenpox House

You might also like…

An interview with Jocelyn McNabb (AKA Topsy)

Burning Questions Thumbnail muddy-puddles thumbnail cBEEBIES cOUNTRY NEEDS YOU THUMBNAIL

 

 

 

 

 

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97 Comments on Top 5 Misdemeanors of Topsy & Tim

  1. Haha! I LOVE this. I have to admit I do enjoy Topsy and Tim but in the same way I enjoy following people on Instagram whose lives (and bodies) look nothing like mine. I do enjoy that they always have washing hanging up in the living room but I would choose Mr Bloom over Brian any day 😉

  2. OMG (and I don’t usually like that phrase) my husband and I no longer feel that we alone in all this Topsy and Tim madness. My two year old daughter has unfortunately now developed some kind of sick fascination with this programme and hence we have banned it from the TV because we cannot stop ourselves from constantly finding flaws with every episode and the smugness of the ENTIRE cast!!! It is actually probably less damaging to kids if they didn’t watch this programme! Why get their hopes up at such a young age. I am no bad mother or anything but like most other people, we all have flaws and so do our families. How smug mummy can sleep at night is beyond me! All that pent up smugness must be terrifying! How does she never ever raise her voice at her kids, oh yes that’s right, she has two robot like kids who never put a finger wrong – we take the micky and say that she probably threatens them. I like to think of her not as a smug mummy but an iron lady in disguise… be aware kids…. Oooh, she really gets my goat. Thank you for posting this. My husband sent me the link and I feel much better that we are not alone in our dismay at this programme endorsed by the BBC but actually what’s new. Grrr…. rant over!

  3. I just saw the nits one for the first time recently. I was so confused – why wasn’t she sobbing?? Why didn’t she scream at Topsy when she found her cuddling all her soft toys, adding to the disinfecting of the whole house that was already going to be needed?? WTF was going on with that friend – calmly hanging around in the kitchen helping when her kid was clean?? Surely you would grab your child, run from the house, and probably set a fire outside the door as you leave for containment purposes?? I also ‘enjoy’ the insane one where they move house & invite the neighbourhood kids round to play the day they move in. & the other wrapping one where the twins wrap a present in their room, alone, with scissors and sellotape. #fridayfrolics

  4. I really enjoyed this. Even though it is a long time since I was subjected to this, your take on it was brilliant – I was grinning throughout! Highlights: DIY Derek (don’t get me started on his name), punching Welsh Dad, the nits – what about washing the sheets and just smug faced mum throughout! Alison x #FridayFrolics

  5. HA HA HA Yes marble run has definitely not been tried and tested on little ones. I also just think marble are like the worst idea ever for a toy, small balls of glass, I mean that’s about as unchild friendly as it gets! #FridayFrolics

  6. Thank god we don’t get that show down here in Australia then!! The most English show we get is Mister Maker which I love but secretly hate because it inspires my tribe to go off into crafting madness which is great for them creatively but HELL for me – alas I no longer stock the craft draws with glitter or tubes of paint or anything that if used would take longer to clean up! xx

  7. Living in Oz, I haven’t had the pleasure of this one, (but my kids do totally squawk ‘Charlie and Loooola’ in nice little English accents every time; I may or may not have encouraged this). But a show that has wallpapering in it as an activity for 4 year olds is positively ludicrous! We couldn’t do it together as 40 year olds!! #FridayFrolics

  8. It’s Bob Hopes (Emmerdale) love child that does my head in. The guy is serious on Speed or something no one can be that enthusiastic.

  9. Hahahah, this made me laugh! Smug face mummy and her awful smugness are awful but that kids bloody pigtails and the fact she is called Topsy is just too much for me. Also, why are 10 year olds pretending to be 4?? Xx

  10. hhhaaaaaaaaaaaa this post is genius!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is the girl really called Topsy? Is it her real name??
    this has really made me chuckle and I reckon next time it comes on tv i’ll pay it a bit more attention and see how much it winds me up!
    Vix x
    #fartglitter

  11. Haha oh this is BRILLIANT.

    I cannot stand Topsy and Tim but when it’s on I can’t seem to turn it off – even if the girl isn’t even watching it. It’s compulsive viewing. I think I enjoy getting wound up by it. Is that strange?

    Smugface mum is the WORST though.

    #FartGlitter

  12. Haha, saw this featured on #fartglitter and just had to comment. Of all the tripe on Cbeebies, these kids grind my gears the most…possibly even more than Mr Tumble. Yeah. THAT much. And don’t get me started on the mum, she wasn’t much better when she was rogering Max Branning in Eastenders! Did you see the episode where the roof was leaking? The whole family even seemed jovial about that! Give me strength.
    Fab post 🙂 xx

  13. Ugh sounds unbearable. For some reason smug children really get me. Our tot has recently discovered ‘Mother Goose Club’ on youtube and I now spend chunks of each day fantasizing about burying my fist in smug tweens’ faces. This stuff is not good for mothers’ souls.
    Thanks for linking up to #fartglitter xxx

  14. As a mum of twins Topsy and Tim’s mum is my role model – I watch it like other people watch super nanny – for tips on how to raise boy/girl twins. My fav episode was when water was leaking through the ceiling onto Topsy’s bed. “Oh well, never mind.” says mummy, not even mildly concerns about how this will wreck her plans for the day. So totally agree with you but still love it though. #fartglitter

  15. I do love CBeebies and very thankful with it but when I see Tom’s pathetic little face I literally want to shout on the screen – man up! My daughter is obsessed with it. I’m not sure which is word – this, or whingebag Bing! God help us all x #FartGlitter

  16. Hahaha, amazing! God I loathe that program. My other half likes it – “she’s a lovely mummy” he says when I mention my general disdain.

    Still, Smug-mummy got her just desserts – her next job was on eastenders snogging Phil Mitchell!!!

  17. Totally agree the mum is smug-faced! My son loves this show because of its opening and closing song – he absolutely loves it, it’s so positive. Obviously we can’t have the mum swearing her face off like a JK show but she could act a bit more stressed or flustered, it won’t hurt.
    Ah yes thought Topsy’s fringe was a wig…but I think my son loves her, he stares at her everytime…(or maybe he’s bewitched by the wig).

  18. We share very similar views, as just like you I hate Granny Murray’s clothes. Can you imagine what she smells like…? Anyhow, my husband has taken a shine to Topsy and Tim’s mum. He says he just watches it because Harry likes it. Who does he think he is kidding!! And every episode I tune in to they mention they are about to move house, can they not just get on with it? She would probably turn up in that episode with her hair neatly done and a pair of baggy dungarees with paint splashes on them arrrggghhh #FridayFrolics

  19. I hear so many moms talking about Mr Bloom! I don’t get it lol! Kids TV is so annoying. I hate a lot of characters then I have to remind myself they’re only characters and intended for kids! Haha! Imagine if these were real people…

  20. Smug faced Mummy is a d**k. Watched a birthday episode. Topsy and Tim ‘fight’ over a box of cakes and end up dropping them all over the floor. S-F-M then pipes up ‘Take a deep breath and relax in your room.’ Huh?!? WTF? The little buggers didn’t even have to clear up. As a Twin Mum I will not be letting my girlies watch it. I consider then a bad influence!
    https://twinmumamongstotherthings.wordpress.com/2015/04/22/welcome-to-the-hotel-toddler/

  21. I only watched my first ever Topsy and Tim last week after it had been so recommended and one of the first things I thought was ‘SMUG MUMMY!’ How so calm? That’s so funny about the grocery delivery driver coming back with the wrapping paper. As. If! #FridayFrolics

  22. This made me chuckle. Sounds like an interesting show and makes for some furrowed brows and ridiculous look at the TV. Thank you for making me laugh on this Friday. It’s my first time at Friday Frolics and I’m glad I discovered it. Will be back for more next week. Thank you for hosting!

  23. And it’s purely for all the reasons cited above we do not watch Topsy & Tim! Great post. Now if only there were a kid’s program with Brad Pitt in it *swoon* ….! #fridayfrolics

    • ha ha, can you imagine! Of course you can eat you dinner in front of the TV kids, yes you can watch it again, No mummy can’t wipe your bottom right now!

  24. Still giggling about this. Only ever seen one episode of this. Mind you, that did seem to involve them inviting round some local children whilst they were moving into their new house. That did strike me as odd – who in their right mind invites anyone over when moving house (unless they are going to actually put up furniture for you), let alone small children! #fridayfrolics

  25. Dang I feel a bit left out having never experienced any of there. We’re still firmly ensconced in the realm of terrifying and inappropriate nursery rhymes sung in an Indian accent. Can’t decide if their smug mum sounds more annoying than a song about someone being thrown down the stairs for not saying their prayers.

  26. Great post. I have to say we haven’t watched it, i don’t think I could now after reading this it would annoy me too much. We are firmly on Peppa Pig and Curious George at the min and don’t get me started on my bug bears of those programmes. Mrs Rabbit and all those jobs, why do people think it’s normal for a monkey to walk around. Great post.

  27. haha LOVE this! Hubby and I can’t stand it. The thing that did it for me was when the mum makes cakes for Topsy and her friend to decorate, Tim asks if he can have one when mum says he can’t he simply accepts this?!?! When on earth would this happen! x #brilliantblogposts

  28. This is hilarious! My 4 year old is mesmerised by these two, it’s actually the only programme he’ll sit and watch with full concentration!
    But I totally agree with you, mum is so smug and never raises her annoying voice.. could you imagine a playdate at her house?! Although, what *really* gets to me is the fact that they’re not even twins!! They look more identical than identical twins! It’s frustrating… Please do a part 2 ;D
    Xx

  29. Haha. I was actually willing to let much of this go, but not crying about nits? Clearly the woman is a witch! I’ve been known to become tearful at the mere thought that one day my kids will probably get nits!

  30. Ha ha. Brilliant. Agree with all of this…in fact I keep getting fed up of all the smugness myself. I wrote a post on it too – as I have twins and our life is NOTHING like this!!!!!!!! Where’s all the fighting and pulling each others hair?? Although, I did weep a little on their first tripof school. Sad or what? Jess x

  31. Brilliant! Life is all a bit too prefect in T&T land. The Tot loves it though. I swear she must be thinking of calling social services on me because I don’t live up to the standards of Smug-faced Mum 🙂 #TwinklyTuesday

  32. oh god hahahaha this post is hilarious!! I was quite lucky my girls started not to want to watch Cbeebies when Topsy and Tim started haha!! xx

  33. I actually quite like Topsy and Tim – it’s sort of like Neighbours for kids… But it is ridiculous at times – the nits particularly so. When we had them, it was blood curdling screams all the way. Also, I read somewhere that they have to wear false teeth to cover up their real-life gappy teeth! Wouldn’t it have been easier to have just said they were 6 or 7? #TwinklyTuesday

  34. Haha! Personally I hate Mr Tumble, which I had to suffer watching with my niece. He’s just far too smug for my liking. Luckily Georgia is too young for her TV yet so I can get away with watching my programs! Also, my dad’s called Derek, so the idea of a character being called DIY Derek makes me laugh!

    #twinklytuesday Kelly x

  35. I have never seen this show. And now, after reading your post, I won’t. Kids shows huh? So unrealistic. We need the more ‘real’ parenting shows for kids. That way all us parents can watch them, and nod our head in complete agreement.

    Thanks for the laugh 🙂

  36. Top 5? I am impressed at your restraint.
    And, don’t get me wrong – I am the parent of an unusually named child, but what exactly is Topsy short for?
    Mr Bloom riles me because he isn’t as Northern in real life as he would have you believe…
    Great post!
    Alice x

  37. haha – so glad I’m ot the only one who could reach through the TV and swat the Mother of Topsy and Tim! I’m sure my kids judge me on not being like any TV mum!

  38. Top 5? I am impressed at your restraint.
    And, don’t get me wrong – I am the parent of an unusually named child, but what exactly is Topsy short for?
    Great post!
    Alice x

  39. This is hilarious! Topsy & Tim’s smug faced mum has also featured in my posts, particularly the nursery episode. The bit that got me was when she dished out homemade biscuits and drinks in plastic colour coordinated cups!! I think a normal mum is more likely to dish out dusty old beakers and stale broken digestives, whilst silently sobbing into the tea towel as she thinks about all the mess they’re going to make. Brilliant post x

  40. this post made me laugh so much! My kids love the programme but it drives me mad! I’m glad it’s not just me. (Although I do have a nit comb, I will confess!)

  41. Marble run…f**king blinking marble run. The git of all games. In my house only daddy can build it not silly mummy…he was the silly daddy who bought it in the first place and actions like that should be punished.
    I pretty much saw red at the marble run bit, though I am a self proclaimed obsessive with looking at the interior of topsy and tims new house (rather than listen to the proposterous storylines!)

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