I’m not sure if it’s turning 5, starting school, or a combination of the two, but lately there have been some big changes in my son. He’s turned from a cute little angel into, well how shall I put this, a BOY! A walking, talking, farting, real life boy. With this sudden boost of testosterone has come a whole new set of rules.
So here it is: Rules for Life (when you are 5 and a boy)
NB – I think some of these rules might also apply if you are 6 or 7 or 8 or 9 or 35 and if you are a girl.
1 Everything is a competition.
You must be the first to the front door, the first up the stairs, the first to get dressed. Everything is a race. If you do not come first you must protest loudly and at times cry about it. You must never lose graciously or be a good sport about things.
2 Superheros rule the world.
You must dress as a superhero whenever possible. If it is not possible improvise. Coats must never be worn with the arms in the arm holes, but always buttoned around the neck like a cape. Talk about superheros all the time. Interrupt Mummy and Daddy talking just to tell them a fact about Batman. Trust no one, random strangers in the street are all possible bad guys and must be defeated so you can save the day. Don’t worry if your Mummy and Daddy don’t let you have guns or lasers, you can point and shoot your arm just as well. Please note that grown up are not to be believed when they tell you that Spider-man eats his peas.
3 Poo and farts are funny.
Fact. The louder and smellier the better. The word poo can also be used as the ultimate insult. If someone doesn’t want to play superheros they are a ‘poo-poo head’.
4 Stay away from girls and anything pink.
Girls are rubbish. Boys are awesome. Girls are your mortal enemy and should be avoided at all costs. Run screaming in the other direction if a girl approaches you in the playground. If you have to say their names rhyme it with another name or two or three like Susie-woozie-toosie. Mums and Nanas are OK especially if they give you sweets. If you have a sister they can be tolerated in very very small doses. Treat anything pink with suspicion and disdain. Except pink marshmallows. They are OK.
5 Never stop moving or talking.
Do not let anything get in the way of you talking, you can talk whilst you eat, you can talk whilst Mummy is trying to talk on the phone or go to the bathroom, you can even talk whilst you are sleeping. If you run out of things to say you can just make sound effects for everything you are doing. Singing is good too. Just make sure it is the same two lines of the same song over and over again, until everyone in your house is walking round singing it too. The same applies for moving. Run, jump, skip and skid but never be still. If a grown up enforces sitting for any period of time ensure you swing you legs and fidget at all times.