Curriculum Vitae of Mama / Mummy / Mum

Education:

  • Pushing around a doll in a pram and changing a Tiny Tears doll’s nappy.
  • The sex education classes that taught me how to make a baby and gave me free tampons.
  • Watching Three Men and a Baby about 200 times in my adolescence.
  • Antenatal Classes.  Although I stopped listening when they bought out the massive salad prongs because I was freaking out.

 

Qualifications

  • A combined total of 12 months morning all day sickness.
  • Stitches in my foo.  Twice.
  • Stretch Marks.

 

Work History

  • 2014 – Present day – Parent to a wannabe stuntman
  • 2009 – Present day – Parent to a non-stop talker
  • Prior experience includes babysitting jobs during my teenage years to three devil children who used to get their kicks by switching the gas hob on and spraying an aerosol at it.

 

Current Role Responsibilities

  • Children’s Entertainer
  • Chef
  • Cleaner
  • Nurse
  • Educator
  • Lost property Management
  • Waste Management
  • Dispute Negotiator
  • Tantrum Management
  • Chief Present Buyer
  • Party Planner 
  • Diary Management
  • Risk Assessor
  • Laundry Co-coordinator
  • Behaviour Management
  • Chief Tidier
  • General Slave

 

Knowledge

With seven years experience I am an expert in the following areas:

  • Characters from Disney Cars
  • Paw Patrol
  • All episode of Peppa Pig
  • Charlie & Lola Books
  • The Names of the Ninjago Characters
  • Reciting The Gruffalo verbatim
  • The first and second name of about 60 kids, their siblings, and the names of about half of their parents.
  • The best stain removal products.
  • I have a strong knowledge of the local area, including parks, the best soft play places, the nearest toilets in any given location, and shops that sell Ninjago trading cards.

 

Skills

Communication

I am an excellent communicator, both face to face and shouting up the stairs.  An expert in doing a serious voice when required, as well as being over the top cheery.  I can adapt these skills to many situations.  Having a conversation with my husband whilst answering a barrage of questions from the big one and telling the little one to get off the coffee table, is something I am very accustomed to.

I also speak toddler.  It’s a language widely used, but often misunderstood. I am fluent and I am able to communicate bilingual safety signs to other parents to warn them of imminent meltdowns and sharing catastrophes.

Multitasking

This is a particular strength of mine.  I am very adept at getting a child dressed whilst making breakfast, wiping another child’s bum, testing them on their spellings  and checking my Facebook news feed.

Repetitive Behaviour

I have vast experience in repeating myself over and over again.  This skill is used daily, particularly good at this in the mornings and concerning shoes. A multi-use skill, I also employ in other areas such as favourite nursery rhymes and bed time stories.  The same ones. Every. Single. Time.

Disaster Aversion

I have honed this skill to a fine art.  As well as averting disasters that result in a trip to A&E, I am very efficient in dealing with potential disaster situations such as spillages, lost bedtime teddies, and running out of rice cakes.

Bribery & Negotiation

I am competent in all kinds of negotiation, from screaming and shouting, to refusal to move, and eating peas.  I am able to apply threats or bribery as appropriate to manage the situation as effectively as possible.

Working to Deadlines

I can do a quick supermarket sweep in approximately 12.2 minutes.  My personal best for a shower, shit, and shave is less than 3 minutes.  And I can down a cold cup of tea in 7 seconds flat.  I am also an expert in the countdown to bedtime.

Social Media

I can upload the perfect picture of sibling bliss to portray a happy and for-filled life, without any indication of the three tantrums, name calling and protest clothes removal that happened prior to that snap shot.

Physical Skills

I am confident in swiftly removing a screaming kicking toddler from the supermarket, and  I can also make toddlers bend to the required position to enable them to be secured into buggies and high chairs.  Other physical skills include nappy changes which require 12 pairs of hands and removing foreign objects from noses and ears.

Cuddles

I am an expert cuddle giver and able to make most situations better with a cuddle and a kiss.

 

Personal Interests

In my spare time!!!!! I enjoy watching Netflix and drinking wine.  On a weekend I particularly enjoy a shower that lasts longer then two minutes.  

 

References

My current employers are not aware that I am seeking alternative employment.  However there are many little old ladies and complete strangers that would be more than willing to share their opinion of my parenting skills.  Especially those in the vicinity of my local Sainsburys last Saturday.

 

Future Employment

I am currently looking to either decrease my hours or increase my pay.  My current role is not well paid and my bosses demands long hours, no holiday and no sick days.  Please do get in contact if you have any suitable jobs.

 

This is a collaborative post.

 

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Claire Kirby

14 Comments on The Parenting CV

  1. We do have a lot of skills don’t we?! And I’m certainly dealing with a lot of risk management at the moment… which twin is more likely to die in this situation, go to that one first!! Gah… #FridayFrolics

  2. Ha ha, brilliant. And so true. I particularly liked the line about a shower that lasts longer than 2 minutes! And you’re right on the language knowledge. Also so true about social media – I usually just about manage to get the perfect shot in between tantrums 😉 #FridayFrolics

  3. Fabulous, I wonder what an actual interviewer would have to say when faced with this CV?!
    I still haven’t managed the stain remover knowledge; I’m more of a throw in the bin type! #fridayfrolics

  4. When can you start? I love the bit with the babysitting from hell! I did baby sitting but it was never that interesting! May be you can teach me some of this Toddler Language? I hear I’ll be needing it! #Fridayfrolics

  5. Brilliant! *high fives on the multitasking*. My cv used to say things like ‘targets’ ‘kpi’s’ and £million, I should probably rewrite it too to simply say ‘fuck this shit but two tiny people came out of my fanny though’. Thanks for a smile! #fridayfrolics

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