There’s no such word as can’t.  Except if it’s things you can’t do when you’re 9 months pregnant.

Whoever came up with that little gem has clearly never come up against the obstacles faced when you reach the “if I get any bigger I am going to pop” stage of pregnancy.  I believe this is the official name for this stage.  It occurs in the third trimester anytime from 33 weeks onward.  It lasts well beyond the point of vindaloos, bouncing on birthing balls, and bribing your unborn child to get the hell out of there.  And there are defiantly things you can’t do when you’re 9 months pregnant.

can't do when you're 9 months pregnant

1 Pick up things from the floor.

It’s near on impossible to pick up anything from the floor, take it from someone who spent the best part of a morning trying to retrieve a debit card.  Ordinarily this wouldn’t be a problem, but a lesser known side effect in the last trimester is the ‘Klutz phase’.  Let’s just say if you drop 100 things in your life time, 90% of those dropages will occur when the only thing you want to drop is your ginormous bump.  Hence why my debit card was on the floor.  Now of course you could get down onto your knees to retrieve the dropped item, but this then begs the question, how the hell are you going to get back up again?  Nope, can’t do when you’re 9 months pregnant.

2 Sleep comfortably

You can’t lay on your front or your back and despite having 20 additional pillows in the bed with you and about 2 inches spare for your husband to sleep, getting comfortable only occurs 30 seconds before the requirement to pee arises.  Which leads us nicely onto number 3.

3 Go 10 minutes without needing to pee

I’m talking if-I-don’t-get-to-the-toilet-in-the-next-5-seconds-I-am-going-to-pee-my-pants kind of urge. (That’s if you can get off the sofa in 5 seconds which is another thing you can’t do when you’re 9 months pregnant).  So desperate is your need to empty your bladder that you resort to doing the ‘toilet waddle’ in case any escapes, which you haven’t done since you were six years old.  Then?  The moment of relief. Seriously? Is that it?  A hamster could produce more.

4 Do up you shoes without assistance

The same can be said for putting on socks, painting your toenails, shaving your legs, and pretty much anything involving the lower half of your body.  Never mind, at least you can’t see your toes at this point.

5 Watch My Sisters Keeper…

…Notting Hill, PS I Love you, DIY SOS, Save The Children Adverts, The News.  Hell even Cbeebies (although Topsy and Tim makes me cry when I’m not pregnant – please make it stop).  Anything and everything will have you weeping and leave your partner wondering what the hell happened to you and was it his fault.  The answer is probably yes.  You may as well wear an ‘approach with caution’ sign around your neck.

6 Sit down gracefully

Get used to it.  This doesn’t just fall under the ‘can’t do when you’re 9 months pregnant’ category.  Sitting down after the birth doesn’t get any easier. *winces at the memories.

7 Get out of your car

Yes you are too fat to be able to get out of your car in a normal parking space.  What’s worse is when you are able to get out, but return to find someone has parked to close to your door and you can’t get back in.  Take it from my personal experience, climbing across the passenger seat to get to the drivers seat when heavily pregnant is not pretty, clever, or very easy.  The hot sweaty mess you become in the process may prepare you somewhat for your labour look.

8 Go anywhere without everyone giving you advice

How to bring on labour, what to do in labour, baby advice.  Or there’s the really helpful terrifying birth stories, you know the ones where they were in labour for 7 days with a 12 pound baby that came out feet first. Then there’s the people that look at you whilst shaking their heads and saying “sleepless nights. You’ve got it all to come.”  Then proceed to tell you how their baby cried for six weeks straight. You all know that I can’t change my mind about this now right?

9 Wear anything remotely fashionable

Maternity clothes cost a small fortune, so you are likely to have been wearing the same thing for the last 3 months.  If you have the added pleasure of being heavily pregnant during a heatwave you won’t need to worry about fashion as you will just want to sit around in your pants all day. Moaning.

10 Resist peeking into the nursery 10 times a day…

..and holding teeny tiny baby clothes over your bump whilst sighing contentedly (and maybe weeping and needing a pee)

What would you add to the list of things you can’t do when you’re 9 months pregnant?

This post was featured on Mumsnet.


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Claire Kirby

33 Comments on 10 Things You Can’t Do When You’re 9 Months Pregnant

  1. Agree with all of this. I wish if i found you in my first pregnancy period. But i will must follow this in my next time. Thanks for the sharing this with lots of helpful information.

  2. Ha ha – too true! I have vivid memories of Hubs putting my shoes on and off, in the end I settled for flipflops a lot of the time. In March… #thelist

  3. The needing to pee all the time is so annoying! I would just like to say, though, that under no circumstances do I ever intend to watch My Sister’s Keeper or PS I Love You, that is not just restricted to when 9 months pregnant! 😉 #TheList

  4. Bwahaha…Too true! I hated not being able to tie my shoe laces! For me, please add “Are you having TWINS? You’re HUGE!” Thank you so much for pointing that out to me, so rudely! #Fridayfrolics

  5. Yep. You have confirmed it for me. NEVER AGAIN!! Very funny post. Love it! I will look at this again if I ever get broody in the future.
    My husband just peered over my shoulder whilst I was reading this post and he now looks distinctly pale.

  6. Haha, I feel like I can finally laugh, now they’re all a distant memory!! With my second, I was MASSIVE from 24 weeks! I swear he reached his full 9lb 10 heavyweight at that stage, then just didn’t grow anymore after that. At 30 weeks, I burst into tears of frustration, and sobbed ‘I can’t do this anymore!! How I can I survive 10 more weeks of this??!’ However, I was lucky both times, that I escaped the permanent need to pee phenomenon-I never got up in the night ever, with either of them!

  7. Oh I feel so cheated with so many of these! I never got a bump with any of my five! I was like some kind of medical marvel!! HA! I can relate to not watching My Sisters Keeper, I actually did watch this while pregnant with my eldest daughter and I cried for five hours solid afterwards. The same applies to watching One Born Every Minute, my husband actually banned me from watching it in the end as he couldn’t handle the subsequent break down!! Thanks for hosting!!

  8. Haha, yes to all of those. I used to weep at car adverts – I just couldn’t stop! As for the “I need to go to the toilet now in the next 5 seconds” that was so up there when I was pregnant with my second!
    I’d also add strangers not being able to leave you alone!! Gosh, so many times strangers would put their hands on my body as it the bump was a public entity.
    Best of luck with the rest of the pregnancy, you can’t possibly get any bigger can you? Can you?!

  9. All of those hit the nail on the head for me me.
    The only one I would add is HEARTBURN!!!
    That son of a bitch made my last trimester with all 3 of mine HELL ON EARTH.
    I could drink a mouthful of water and I would get heartburn, i literally lived on a diet of various different Gaviscon’s to get me through the day. Chewy ones, chalky ones, liquid form…whatever. Just get them in my belly!!!!

    It’s so glamourous being preggers isnt it… ;-/


  10. I did about six of these! Brilliant – what a fab post. It is funny how quickly we forget though. Actually went for a run this morning – I KNOW! – first in about 3 years. Love the post!! 🙂 #fridayfrolics – Polly x

  11. HaaAaa! The nursery one!! I was so guilty of this!! And everything else obvs!!
    Despite all of these things I remained ridiculously stubborn throughout my whole pregnancy and refused to let anyone help me.
    Next time I have vowed to be a sloth.

  12. hahaha, this has been a timely reminder of why I should stick at two, as much I love my children I’m not sure I could go through that again. Another thing you can’t do when pregant is account for your cat who thinks that bringing you a nice present is a live field mouse. Then watching you very bemused as you crash around the kitchen trying to catch said mouse which has now managed to get under your lino! I was not amused, either was the cat or the neighbours who didn’t understand my shrieks ;-/ #fridayfrolics

  13. Ah yes, I remember it well. And what is it with people being all smug and foreboding when they see you are expecting..’just you wait’ this and ‘you won’t know what’s hit you’ that – completely did our heads in!! I would add to your lovely list 1/feed the cats (poor souls, if it wasn’t for my husband I’m sure they would have moved out by now) and 2/ phone anyone who is waiting to hear the good news – when they realise you are just calling for a chat they get all disappointed…no, I haven’t had the baby yet, just wanted to say hello, sorry to let you down, again…Fab post 🙂

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