There’s no such word as can’t.
Bollocks to that. Whoever came up with that little gem has clearly never come up against the obstacles faced when you reach the “if I get any bigger I am going to pop” stage of pregnancy. I believe this is the official name for this stage. It occurs in the third trimester anytime from 33 weeks onwards. It lasts well beyond the point of vindaloos, bouncing on birthing balls, and bribing your unborn child to get the hell out of there. And there are defiantly things you can’t do when you’re 9 months pregnant
1 Pick up things from the floor.
It’s near on impossible to pick up anything from the floor, take it from someone who spent the best part of a morning trying to retrieve a debit card. Ordinarily this wouldn’t be a problem, but a lesser known side effect in the last trimester is the ‘Klutz phase’. Let’s just say if you drop 100 things in your life time, 90% of those dropages will occur when the only thing you want to drop is your ginormous bump. Hence why my debit card was on the floor. Now of course you could get down onto your knees to retrieve the dropped item, but this then begs the question, how the hell are you going to get back up again?
2 Sleep comfortably
You can’t lay on your front or your back and despite having 20 additional pillows in the bed with you and about 2 inches spare for your husband to sleep, getting comfortable only occurs 30 seconds before the requirement to pee arises. Which leads us nicely onto number 3.
3 Go 10 minutes without needing to pee
I’m talking if-I-don’t-get-to-the-toilet-in-the-next-5-seconds-I-am-going-to-pee-my-pants kind of urge. (That’s if you can get off the sofa in 5 seconds which is highly unlikely). So desperate is your need to empty your bladder that you resort to doing the ‘toilet waddle’ in case any escapes, which you haven’t done since you were six years old. Then? The moment of relief. Seriously? Is that it? A hamster could produce more.
4 Do up you shoes without assistance
The same can be said for putting on socks, painting your toenails, shaving your legs, and pretty much anything involving the lower half of your body. Never mind, at least you can’t see your toes at this point.
5 Watch My Sisters Keeper…
…Notting Hill, PS I Love you, DIY SOS, Save The Children Adverts, The News. Hell even Cbeebies (although Topsy and Tim makes me cry when I’m not pregnant – please make it stop). Anything and everything will have you weeping and leave your partner wondering what the hell happened to you and was it his fault. You may as well wear an ‘approach with caution’ sign around your neck.
6 Sit down gracefully
Get used to it. Sitting down after the birth doesn’t get any easier. *winces at the memories.
7 Get out of your car
Yes you are too fat to be able to get out of your car in a normal parking space. What’s worse is when you are able to get out, but return to find someone has parked to close to your door and you can’t get back in. Take it from my personal experience, climbing across the passenger seat to get to the drivers seat when heavily pregnant is not pretty, clever, or very easy. The hot sweaty mess you become in the process may prepare you somewhat for your labour look.
8 Go anywhere without everyone giving you advice
How to bring on labour, what to do in labour, baby advice. Or there’s the really helpful terrifying birth stories, you know the ones where they were in labour for 7 days with a 12 pound baby. Then there’s the people that look at you whilst shaking their heads and saying “sleepless nights. You’ve got it all to come.” Then proceed to tell you how their baby cried for six weeks straight. You all know that I can’t change my mind about this now right?
9 Wear anything remotely fashionable
Maternity clothes cost a small fortune, so you are likely to have been wearing the same thing for the last 3 months. If you have the added pleasure of being heavily pregnant during a heatwave you won’t need to worry about fashion as you will just want to sit around in your pants all day. Moaning.
10 Resist peeking into the nursery 10 times a day…
..and holding teeny tiny baby clothes over your bump whilst sighing contentedly (and maybe weeping and needing a pee)
What would you add?
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