Fist comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage…
OK, so it may not happen quite this way, or in this order, but having a baby will be one of the biggest tests of your relationship. How can that gorgeous innocent little bundle of joy create so much havoc in your relationship? Allow me to explain, then you can decide, is your relationship strong enough?
Is your relationship strong enough to survive getting pregnant?
This is the fun bit right? Normally it’s fun. But when it’s Monday evening and you’ve had a shitty day at work, you have a headache, and you just fancy slobbing on the sofa in your PJ’s, yet your ovulation tracker tells you it’s time to get it on, it can be quite hard to get in the zone.
All those years of safe sex and it turns out it’s not always that easy to get a bun in the oven. And often it involves holding your legs in the air for half an hour after the deposit to give those bad boys a fighting chance. It’s not always sexy and glamorous!
Is you relationship strong enough to survive pregnancy?
Congratulations! You peed on a stick and it came back positive. Your partner is probably congratulating his meat and 2 veg quite a lot right now. But can your relationship survive the next 9 months?
In order for your relationship to survive pregnancy your partner must:
- Be available to assist with numerous tasks such as putting your shoes on, helping you out of the bath, hoisting you out of bed, and reaching an infinite number of items for you as your expanding belly means you can no longer see your toes.
- Go to the shops at a moments notice without and complaining to fetch you gherkins and licorice allsorts.
- Tell you don’t look fat and that you are beautiful approximately 102 times a day.
- Not run for the nearest bar when you ugly cry in B&Q because they don’t have the exact shade of cream paint that you wanted*.
- Learn to put a cot together with minimal swearing and sweating.
Is your relationship strong enough to survive childbirth?
Are you one of those couples that likes to maintain an air of mystery and close the bathroom door whilst you pee? Well you can kiss goodbye to the mystery as your partner is about to see you butt naked and leaking from every orifice, whilst lots of people stare at your (by now very overgrown) lady garden.
Top tips for birthing partners:
- Do not at any point compare child birth to being kicked in the gonads. Unless you have been repeatedly kicked in the gonads for 12 hours straight, whilst having the said gonads stared at by a variety of individuals, then shat a watermelon, followed by having several stitches in your gonads. If that happened then you can compare.
- Do not tell the mother of your child that she said she didn’t want the drugs, when she is screaming for the drugs. She didn’t have an effing clue what she was talking about when she said she didn’t want the drugs. She definitely wants all of the drugs.
- Do not faint and make the show all about you. Nobody likes a thunder stealer.
- Buy her a god damn push present. Did you see what she just pushed out of her fanjango?
If you follow those tips your then your relationship is strong enough to survive child birth.
Is your relationship strong enough to survive a newborn baby?
There comes a point in every relationship during the newborn stage where you look at one another thinking “what the hell have we done?” It maybe a moment when you are pacing the floor at 3am with a screaming baby. It maybe a moment where you and the baby are covered in way more poo than it should be physically possible for that tiny creature to produce. It maybe when you’ve just been up for 48 hours straight and the moment you sit down for a hot meal, the baby stays crying. At some point you will have that moment where you wonder if you can get through this together. It normally happens right about the time your baby starts smiling. Which of course makes all of it worthwhile.
If your relationship is going to survive the newborn stage there are 3 things you need to know:
- It’s not just you. Nobody knows what they are doing. Not one single parent out there. We are all trying our best, but we are all winging it. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.
- Whomever coined the phrase “sleeping like a baby” quite clearly never came into contact with a baby. Ever.
- Poonamis happen to the best of us. It’s a parenting right of passage.
My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. He’s held my hair back whilst I’ve had my head down the toilet after one too many Mad Dogs. He’s held my hand through my grandparents funerals. He’s gone out in the pouring rain to buy me chocolate when I have my period. He makes me laugh every single day. He tells me I am beautiful every day. Over 20 years there are many stand out moments where I’ve thought this guy really loves me. We’re strong enough to get through anything.
One of those moments was two weeks after giving birth to my second son. Two weeks of sleep deprivation and after an incredibly long night, I was sat in bed with crazy bed head, that I can’t even tell you when was last washed. I had a jelly like two week post partum body, and the biggest pair of granny pants you’ve ever seen. In one arm I held our tiny son. In the other I held my breast pump, attached to my boob and milked myself like a cow. My husband looked at me, smiled, and told me I was beautiful and that he loved me. He was totally serious by the way. And it was one of those moment where you just know that your relationship is solid.
Having a baby changes everything, except the love you had for each other before two became three.
But don’t worry, if it doesn’t work out there’s always single parent dating!