It’s like raaaiiiinnn on your wedding day, a free ride, when you’ve already paid… Alanis said it was ironic, I say it’s Sods laws. And when it comes to parenting, there’s plenty of them.
Babies will always poo just as you are about to leave the house. If you have to be some where at a specific time then it will be a poo of the leaky variety that requires a hose down and clean clothes. You will be late for your appointment and still be able to smell the poo, thus be paranoid that somewhere about your person there is a remnant of poo.
You know that night out that you have been yearning for, booked baby sitters for, and bought a new dress for? Well the kids are ill, you won’t be going. Bad luck.
When your toddler throws the mother of all tantrums, the one that will be etched onto your memory forever. Full on screaming, stropping, kicking and shouting, the one where you will actually wonder if they have been possessed, and wonder what you did in a previous life to deserve this and question if 10:00am is too early for wine. That one will ALWAYS be in a VERY busy and VERY public place ready for full on judgement of your parenting skills. If you were really bad in a previous life it will also be somewhere VERY quiet.
Children will always find a puddle when you have no change of clothes for them. Damn that bloody pig!
When visiting the homes of couples without children your children will always spill drinks. On cream carpets. There are also likely to be breakages and general high-speed running and extreme loudness. You won’t be invited back.
You will have to wake your children at 7:00am every morning for school. Except on weekends when they will wake you at 5:30am. Normally by poking you in the eye. On extremely rare occasions children will sleep late on a weekend. When you have two they never do it at the same time.
Naps. Everything about naps. When they have just gone down and a delivery driver hammers your door down. When you have a ton of stuff to do whilst they nap they will not nap. When you want them to nap in the car they won’t. When you don’t want them to nap in the car they will. And the greatest injustice of all is that one day they decide to give up naps altogether.
The day you decide to go to the shops without the buggy will be the day there are no parent spaces available. There are also no spaces available in any kind of close proximity to the shops and your child will refuse to walk.
Small children like to embarrass their parents in public places. Quiet doctors waiting rooms are the perfect place for three-year-olds to shove their heads in your cleavage and blow a raspberry. I think we get to have our revenge when they are teenagers.
That moment between applying shampoo to your hair and rinsing it is when children always need a poo.
What sods laws would you add?
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