Babies don’t break you into the business of nappy changing easily. Right from the get go they test your skills with the tar like substance that is meconium, and the gag inducing cord stump. Before long they will unleash poonamis that you will still have nightmares about for years to come. And just as you become proficient with your nappy changing skills they will learn to roll over and changing a nappy will become a lesson in wrestling a crocodile.
Too add to all of these complications there is the Parenting Sods Law #72: Babies will always poo at the most inconvenient times…
1 The Change Table Poo.
Those new-born bowels are unpredictable. No sooner have you cleaned up the last poo, they are doing another. Normally just after you have removed the dirty nappy, and right before you put the clean one on. Then you find yourself holding tiny legs in the air whilst you frantically mop as they poop, all the while wondering, a) How does something so tiny produce so much crap, and b) Will I ever look at a Mr Whippy ice cream in the same way again?
2 The Ready To Leave Poo
Congratulations, You have managed to get two children dressed and fed with coats on ready to leave the house. The bags are packed. You have dry shampooed your hair and even managed to apply some tinted moisturiser. You feel positively glamorous. The morning has been timed with military precision and you are ready to arrive at your destination on time. You pick the baby up to put them in their car seat and discover the mother of all poonami’s. Supermum status revoked.
3 The Baby Weigh Poo
Baby weigh-in is akin to a New Mummy Test. You have to get your squirming and often screaming bundle fully undressed and ready to be weighed, under the watchful eye of the Health Visitor. The same one that your baby weed on last week, and by the look on her face she has not forgotten the incident. You have awful flashbacks to the time when you were five and you were trying to get Abbie* dressed and you accidentally pulled her arm off. You see the queue of other mums waiting to see the Health Visitor with hungry babies in their arms, and you break out in a cold sweat under the pressure. As you remove the nappy you discover the baby has produced a poo that you are clearly completely and utterly unprepared for. Pass me the wipes!
*FYI: Abbie was a dolly.
4 The Bath Poo
At some point it will happen. There will be a floater in the bath. It’s one of those parenting mile stones. Deal with it.
greeting cards for parents
5 The One Time You Forget The Change Bag Poo
It also happens to be the time you are sat in the doctors waiting room for half an hour, avoiding eye contact with the rest of the patients who are slowly suffocating from the toxic fumes your toddler is wafting around. You then have to take your little stink bomb into the doctor’s room apologising profusely, and deciding which doctors practice you should move to so you never have to show your face in this one again.
6 The Special Occasion Poo
You’ve got yourself already to attend a wedding. You’ve straightened your hair, have applied makeup, and you’re wearing a nice dress. You haven’t been this glammed up since the night you conceived the first child. Nothing brings you back down to earth quicker than wiping someone else’s butt.
7 The Long Car Journey Poo
It’s 30 miles to the next services, its freezing cold and raining, and the traffic is at a standstill. Enjoy the confined space.
8 The 10 Minutes Before Daddy Gets Home Poo
You can only stand the smell for five minutes. Seriously, five more minutes and you would have been home free.
9 The Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t Poo
It’s your first born’s school assembly and you have secured a front row spot with the baby. The assembly has started and you notice the smell. Do you…
a) Piss off the audience and ask everyone to mind their toes as you maneuver the pushchair out of the hall and hope you don’t miss your son’s one line.
b) Ignore the foul smell and dirty looks and hope that none of the pupils pass out from the fumes, and that the baby doesn’t take offence to the situation and start screaming.
10) The Visitors Poo
Five minutes before your guest arrives your small person delivers a stinker. No longer does your house smell of the freshly baked cake you made for the occasion.
Inconvenient poos are made even more stressful when you are away from home and the change facilities are far from adequate. SudoCrem Care & Protect have launched the Baby Changing Room Awards. If you nominate the best change facilities in the UK, you could win a short family break at a hotel in Dorset. You can find out more about the awards and how to nominate here.
This is a Collaborative Post.