Nappy Changing.  It’s not the most glamorous part of being a parent.  You start off both vaguely curious about what your little cherub is producing and have numerous talks about colour, consistency and smell.  The novelty soon fades and before you know it you are arguing or offering bribes as to who is going to do the deed.

Below is a guide to the worst types of nappy changes.  If you can cope with these you will be fine.  The basic rule is be prepared for anything and plan for everything.

Warning: this blog contains a lot of poo and sh**

The Leaker / Poonami

No one warned me about leaky nappies when I was pregnant.  Not one single person.  It was quite a shock one day when I removed my baby’s nappy to discover that the poo went from his tummy, over his little touche, up his back and all the way to his neck.  What the….?!  You will deal with many leaky nappies and poo covered sleepsuits, but there will be one, it will be your nemesis, it will be the one that all nappies from this day forward will be measured against.  It will test your nerve, skills and gag reflexes to the very limit, and it will haunt you forever.  The mother of all leakages that I had to face started with my baby innocently babbling away in his bouncy chair.  Then I smelt the smell and instantly felt the fear.  I picked him up to discover it was worse than I had first expected.  The leak had not only penetrated through to the sleepsuit, but had also covered the bouncy chair.  Bravely I carried my poo covered baby upstairs to the change table, when I led him down to survey the damage I discovered we had left a trail of poo destruction all the way up the stairs.  The baby was covered, his clothes were covered, the carpets were covered and I was covered.  I didn’t know where to start.  First I wept actual tears, then I contemplated phoning my Mum to come help (even though she lives half an hour away).  But then I got it together and I faced the sh**.  And when I had conquered and cleaned and finally got
rid of the smell I knew that no nappy would ever beat me.

The Water Canon

I have no experience of little girls nappies, but what I can tell you about little boys is that they come with their very own little water cannon, and it’s filled with urine.  They like to use this water cannon whenever they are free of a nappy.  Usually when you’ve just finished cleaning them up.  They also have quite a reach.  My sons cannon once went off and went over my shoulder and hit his big brother square in the eye.  I didn’t laugh at all, I promise (bad mummy).  It doesn’t take long to get used to the water cannon and it quickly becomes second nature to use your hand as a shield when it starts going off. Seriously this parenting malarkey can be gross.

The Jiggy Wriggler

Just as you get the hang of this nappy changing business and start timing yourself and having competitions with your partner to see who is the fastest nappy changer in the west, your baby learns to roll over and it’s game over.  Now you are going to have to learn to change a nappy with one hand whilst your other arm attempts to pin down the baby or distract them with a toy whilst singing loud songs at the same time to try and hold their attention.  It’s like trying to hold down an eel. I’m surprised baby wrestling isn’t a sport.  I’m even more surprised that you don’t find duct tape next to the nappies and wipes in the supermarket.

The Chaser

Once babies move onto solids and their digestion changes so does their poo.  and rather disturbingly it becomes much more adult looking.  Thus begins the new game.  Catch the toddler waddling around in their poo infested nappy before they get a chance to sit down and smear that sh** everywhere.  This also involves carrying the child to be changed at arms length avoiding any contact with the bottom area what so ever.

It wasn't me
It wasn’t me

Don’t worry before long you’ll be potty training, then you’ll be picking that sh** off the floor instead! 😉

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I’m sharing this post with @mumsdays and @youbabymemummy for #TheList




Claire Kirby

8 Comments on The baby has a dirty nappy – It’s your turn

  1. Nooo! I refuse to potty train ever!! Thank you for such a detailed reminder – I think the reason people don’t tell mums-to-be about explosive nappies is because they have put them firmly out of their minds! I had forgotton what those early ones were like!!

    Hope you’ve had a good week and thanks for linking up to #theList xxx

  2. Hahaha. With Noodles the ultimate poo happened before he’d even got his first nappy on. The I was, under a blanket enjoying that first skin-to-skin brand-new baby and then it got very very warm and very very moist. I tentatively pulled back the blanket and HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT I was covered, he was covered, the bed was covered…and not in normal first baby poo, but buckets of brown!!! I knew it was bad when the midwife declared, ‘Cotton wool and water isn’t going to cut it – I’m off for the wipes!’
    Still, it got me a shower and then moved onto the maternity ward faster than I could say Pampers, but I swear no poo has come close to it since.

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