Baby weigh-in and I didn’t get off to the greatest start. Firstly it was not the warm cosy sanctuary I imagined it to be. It was a local hall with some trestle tables with change mats on, and hard plastic school chairs to sit my still
slightly very sore lady bits on.
My first visit was when the big one was a very tiny and constantly hungry three week old infant. The husband had returned to work, so I took my Mum with me for moral support. At the time I thought my first visit had been a success. I realised otherwise about three months later when a local government leaflet for Sure Start came through the door. There on page 2 was a picture of my Mum. I started at it blankly for a while trying to work out why there was a picture of my Mum in the Sure Start leaflet, until it slowly dawned on me that the very pale and completely knackered looking woman next to her, was in fact me.
Seriously, I looked better whilst in labour.
The picture was underneath the heading Post Natal Depression. Now don’t get me wrong, PND is a serious matter and not anything to be ashamed of, it’s just that I wasn’t expecting to be the poster girl for it. My mum later informed me that I had given my consent to the photographer. In my sleep deprived state I don’t remember seeing a photographer, let alone talking to one. The leaflet was distributed to every house in my local area, or at least that’s what I deemed from all the phone calls and text messages I was getting from my neighbours and newly acquired Mummy friends.
That was my 5 minutes of unwanted fame, and the inspiration for this post:
It’s just baby weigh-in. It will be fine.
I’ve done it. I am up and dressed. The baby is fed and we have left the house on time. Maybe I’m getting the hang of this.
The baby will sleep until we are seen, then we can get back home in time for our next feed and Gilmore Girls.
Shit look at that queue. Where did all these babies come from?
Damn I forgot that I can’t take the buggy in there.
Phew, extracted the baby from the buggy without waking him.
Sign in! I’m carrying a sleeping baby, and a change bag, and all my ‘valuable possessions’ from the buggy that I had to leave outside. Two hands. That’s all I’ve got.
Wow it’s noisy in here.
I wonder how long we have to wait?
Should that toddler be running around quite so close to all those babies on the floor?
Was that our name?
Did I remember the red book?
Did I remember to lock the house?
Shhhh Shhh, please don’t wake up and want a feed. There’s no arm chairs. I don’t think I can discretely get my boobs out and feed you on a chair with no arms.
Maybe I should bring my pillow with me next time.
Yeah right, how are you going to carry that along with everything else?
Maybe I should talk to the health visitor about how often you are feeding. I mean how can something so tiny need feeding so much?
Was that our name?
Oh crap that’s the health visitor he weed on last time. Please don’t get her, please don’t get her.
That was our name, okay here we go.
Why did I put you in such a complicated outfit. I look like I’ve never dressed you before and the health visitor is staring at me.
What is this is some kind of parenting test?
Don’t start crying, it’s OK, mummy will be as quick as she can.
Oh dear this is a full on lung test.
Oh no, he’s weeing. Shit. Where’s the nappy?
Now is not the time for distracting countdown music in my head.
I’ve no idea what she just said I can’t hear her over the screaming.
I’m actually sweating.
What was that about percentiles?
Is my baby the only one that has taken serious offence to being naked in public?
Equally frazzled looking mum over there. Thank god it’s not just me.
Right, lets get you dressed and warm again.
Seriously, why did I choose this outfit?
She thinks I’m a terrible mother.
Did I have anything to ask her? Yes. I can’t remember what it was now though.
I don’t think I’ve felt under this much pressure since my driving test. At least I passed that. Eventually.
Do we have to do this again?
Did anyone else have similar thoughts at baby weigh-in?
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