After the games have been played, the candles blown out, the presents given and the party bags dished out…



You have a headache. Obvs!


You keep humming ‘Bob the Builder’ without realising and will do for the next week as it is now etched into you brain.


Your offspring is not only bouncing off the walls but doing flipping triple somersaults as a result of consuming three times their body weight in sugar.  You actually google the symptoms of a sugar induced coma.  Just In case.


You find yourself giving away cake to passers-by because you have loads left and because kids cakes are disgusting, 90% icing, 10% cake.  Unless you are one of those brilliant mummies who makes the cake themselves.  You’ll never find me buying my kids cake from Asda *cough cough cough*


Your house is now filled with redundant balloons and banners that will stick around for a week irritating you slightly more each day.  When you have the nerve to face the inevitable tears that will follow all birthday remnants being removed, you put them in a safe place for next year, never to be found again.


You keep having flashbacks to having to wipe someone’s arse that wasn’t yours or your child’s.  Gross.


Even though the house is now quiet (Apart from the thud of your sugar induced child’s head hitting the wall repeatedly), the screams have ended, the shouting is over, the thunderous hoard of footsteps have left, your ears will still be ringing from their audible assault.


Your house needs to be cleaned from top to bottom and even then you know you will be finding sticky fingerprints and left over cheesy wotsits for weeks.  Think pine needles after Christmas has gone!


You now have a severe dislike for one child and have made a mental note not to invite them next year.  Harsh but so very true.  There is always one.  For me it’s normally a screamer!


You have a bottle of wine in the fridge with your name on it, and you have so earned it.


Next time I’m hiring a hall.



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Claire Kirby

26 Comments on 10 Signs You’ve Just Hosted a Kids Party

  1. Oh dear! I’ve yet to face this hell, to be honest. As Piglet’s birthday is in the summer so far I’ve been able to get away with inviting everybody to the park. I suspect that may change as he gets older and makes friends though! #FridayFrolics

  2. Definitely hire somewhere that does parties, then you’ve just gotta rock up with cake! Talking of cake, there are more options than just the chocolate caterpillar?
    Thank goodness it’s just once a year! #fridayfrolics

  3. Blimey, I have still managed to avoid these since NG has only just turned 3 and we’ve got away with the ‘picnic party’ where then noise is handily dispersed into a wood. But next year she wants to go to the local shitty leisure centre so I’ll definitely be experiencing ALL of these I should think. Had me laughing out loud as usual! #FridayFrolics

  4. I find I have to lie down in a darkened room after my children’s parties with the onset of a migraine and tinnitus. *Such fun*, thankfully we are now at the ‘other venues’ stage but even still. There’s always a #9 in the group for sure, and there’s guaranteed #5 dubious looking balloons that make their way home and hang about like rubbery ghosts! #Fridayfrolics

  5. This is all so true – I can actually see a stray balloon shoved down the side of the TV cabinet now… it worries me because where leftover balloons are, leftover trampled food can’t be far behind… xD #FridayFrolics

  6. Oh you nailed this one. We learned early on the beauty of the party at the park outside or in a space that others must tend to after we have totally destroyed it. That icing will show up in the darnedest places for years to come. Merlot? #FridayFrolics

  7. I had a horror of the children’s party scene and managed to avoid large house type gatherings by taking them out on special days with the family – outsourcing pizza provision and the clearing up!! The few times we did succumb are still branded painfully into my memory despite the quantities of gin consumed afterwards to dull the pain! Great post! x #FridayFrolics

  8. Aaaggghhh, I’m just putting in the last efforts and finishing off orders for A’s party in a few weeks. Its “Frozen” so lots of theming going in to play: marshmallow Olaf’s, pin the carrot on Olaf, a personal appearance from Elsa (a surprise for the end of the party), the party bags (I’m making snowflake necklaces), the cake (a giant snowflake with an ice castle perhaps – not worked it out yet) and the outfits for the girls which are still to arrive from Hong Kong! The pressure is HUGE! We have 20 children coming, C has 2 of her friends and the rest are A’s so will be 5-6years old. Thankfully we have a hall, Nige is doing the music and the food is cooked (inspired by you last year!) – they had a choice of chicken nuggets or fish fingers. However it doesn’t stop there – on her birthday I have to also take 32 cakes to school (2 for staff, 30 for kids) and the pressure there is huge as I’m surrounded by superchef’s at the girls school – so I need to pre-cut a load of blue glittery snowflakes to go on the mini muffins! I now understand why I only had 1 party, when I was 5, my bday is 2 weeks after Xmas so invites were given out and then lost in the pre-Christmas haze, only 5 out of 10 invitees showed, I don’t really remember it that well but mum said it was a “nightmare” – I waited until I was 21 to have another party and hosted it in a pub – myself! However, I don’t want that for my kids so each year the torture of a party is endured, each year I dread it and its over before I know it. Then home to open the presents, find space for them and get kids to bed before that bottle of vino you mention….. Why do we do it Claire? I’m loving your blog – so observant, so on the ball and so very entertaining…. sadly I’m one of those mums who does make a cake, but only because its my only chance to show my creativity and “Let it Go”…… aaaagggghhhh

  9. I will never forget the first party we did for our older son with his friends. He was 8 as were the other kids. OMG. Such chaos I have never seen…there was no need for wiping of an alien arse, but that dislike for one child? Yes, that would be the one that gluttonously ate as much as he could shove in his face and then spent time vomiting it all up after that. Never did invite him back. Ugh.

  10. I still have a massive cinema poster of Tinkerbell in my living room as residue from our last kids’ party. That was in August!
    I also have residue headaches at the thought of past parties! Shouldn’t kids’ birthdays be about US and all we went through to give birth and raise them? Shouldn’t their birthdays be days of gifts and pampering and gratitude for US?!?! How did it go so wrong?

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