The little one is 16 Months old.  Not a tiny baby anymore, yet not quite a toddler.  He’s at that precarious in-between stage.  Climbing without knowing the consequences, running when he’s not yet got enough miles under the belt walking.  There are bumps and bruises a plenty. Mainly mine.

There are many hazards to owning a small person and any Mummy, or Daddy for that matter can sport one, or more, or maybe all of the following Mummy injuries.

 


Mummy Injuries 1

 

The Fisher-Price Headache

Whether it’s the incessant noise  that toys make or the fact that you’ve just been bashed over the head with one, there are headaches aplenty.  Toys that induce such headaches have been known to ‘break’ or ‘get lost’, especially the ones the mother in law brings back from Spain that have a volume level that can make the neighbours complain.  3 doors down.

 

Temporary Branding

Your body becomes a human climbing frame and you bear the parks of tiny toes and finger shaped bruises all over your body.  Not to mention the elbows that always seem to end up in precarious places.

 

Scalping

Your hair was once a source of pride and you spent hours preening it to perfection.  Now it’s used as a place to wipe snot and a swing rope for small people to hang off at any given opportunity.  Side effects of small people can also include rapidly increased production of grey hairs and purchases of hair dye.

 

Marks of Jaws

Many a parent has made the rookie mistake of feeling for a pending tooth inside the mouth of a baby who already has some gnashers that they gleefully use to lock onto your finger. Other body parts are not immune to a random attack from the little shark you are rearing.

 

Limpititis

A common side effect of being a parent is limping or hobbling.  The most common causes are:

  • Stepping on Lego.
  • Tripping over small people.
  • Stubbing your toe on the cot when you have finally gotten them off to sleep.
  • The remote control being dropped on your foot.

 

Mummy Injuries 2

 

Pinceritis

They may have mastered walking in a drunk uncle kind of way, but they still need to pull themselves up on something.  Namely you.  They have a vise like grip and are prone to attack when you are in the dangerous position of being on the floor.  Here they can go for optimum pinch impact with areas such as bingo wings and nipples.

 

Cot Shoulder

Very similar to tennis elbow, cot shoulder is the repetitive strain injury from may hours leaning over the cot stroking / patting / soothing the small person whilst they cut some new weapons to attack you with.

 

Backache

Bend.  Lift.  Bend. Carry small person and ton of accessories (not the built in kind). Bend. Lift. Bend.  Piggy Back Rides. Squat.  Bend again.  Crawl around on the floor for hours. Bend.  Lift. Repeat.

Small people can put you through your paces better than any boot camp instructor.  They say the responsibility of being a parent is a big weight to bear. Your back sure takes the brunt of it!

 

Reflux

Normally associated with babies, but also a common occurrence for parents too.  Causes include:

  • Small people shoving food / fingers / toys in your mouth.
  • Small people using your mum tum as a trampoline.
  • That moment when you are changing the small persons nappy and the poo goes under your finger nail.

 

Temporary Blindness

No parent is immune to the unprovoked and quick thinking attack that is the eye gauge.

 

It’s a dangerous job this parenting lark!

 

I am currently suffering from limpititus and a Fisher-Price headache.  I have three temporary branding marks on my arm and one mark of jaws on my finger.  Do you have any parenting injuries to add to the list?

 

Many thanks to Katy for providing me with her fabulous drawings for this post as I have only mastered stick men.  You can find more of Katy’s brilliant illustrations and hilarious musings on her blog Carry on Katy.

 

This post was featured on Mumsnet

 

 

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Claire Kirby

67 Comments on Mummy Injuries

  1. Pingback: The Rules For Playing Cars With a Toddler - Life, Love and Dirty Dishes

  4. Lol this is fabulous! They should hand out this list with the postnatal info from the hospital. All of your points were funny & so true & relatable to my life. LEGO – the enemy of all parents. And COT ARM – I had that so many times. I also would get a dead leg from sitting on my feet / legs way too long next to the cot. Then when trying to sneak out of the room I could barely move. The joys 🙂 #coolmumclub

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  5. Popping back from #coolmumclub. Just thought of another one – scooter shin! I am forever almost passing out with pain from knocking my girl’s scooter on my shin. Thanks for linking lovely x

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  8. Cot shoulder!!!! I’d forgotten all about that one, now that my 2 can finally self soothe! But oh the hours I spent in agony bending over those flipping cots…! I’d also love to resign from my post as human climbing frame, the injuries sustained from that are in total breach of my human rights!! And I tripped over some stupid, flashing, shoot-yourself-in-the-head-toy the other day, and announced ‘shit!’ as I fell to the floor. Of course, the youngest assassin, with very little grasp of the English language, immediately was able to say ‘shit’ perfectly! And did so whenever possible for the rest of the day!! Sigh…!
    Great post, and there needs to be a branch of medicine which specialises in these injuries. Lets get on it!
    #fartglitter

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  10. So funny! I have a constant Fisherprice headache and a VTech migrane coming on. I need to explain my challenges to the family so they take them into consideration when his next birthday comes #FartGlitter

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  11. Yes to all of these! Especially limpitis. How does Lego miraculously find it’s way under your feet at every opportunity – usually when carrying an infant or something hot!?
    I join you in all of your ailments and offer up one more. The headbutt. Occasionally (usually when stood on my lap) the little tot forgets how to hold up his own head. His proportionately large noggin then gets planted into my nose at full force. Lovely.

    Thanks for the giggle. Get well soon lovely! 🙂

    #fartglitter

    Reply

  13. OMG! This is my exact existence! Particularly the pinceritis on the old bingo wings, the hair pulling (and eating), being used as a climbing frame… This post made me smile,

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  14. I’m just happy to learn that other children hit their parents over the head too. I thought I had spawned a particularly violent one and that this must be some reflection on me!

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  16. Very good! We should wear our scars with pride – they have been well earned. As a mum of a 9 year old, my injuries have moved on to “Stackitonthestairsitis” or “slidethroughthehouseonashoeitis”. Medical research has shown that the cause is discarded items left in a place where an adult is guaranteed to trip over them. It is further known that it is the fault of the adult and not the child who discarded them. #fridayfrolics

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  17. So good to know that it’s not just me that sticks my finger in their mouths to check for new teeth, to ALWAYS be surprised when I’m bitten by old teeth. Perhaps there’s a need in the world for ‘Mummyline’? Not quite sure what the person on the other end might say though? Probably ‘Suck it up love, you’re a Mummy’?!? 😀

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  18. And I am afraid to report it does not get better as they get older – I have just come back from a gruelling session with the osteopath due to knackered knee, neck and back syndrome, all quite possibly spawned by young children and which never quite goes away even as they get older. And Lego Foot – boy is that painful and the pain from it seems inversely proportional to the size of the Lego.

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  21. I remember the Cot Shoulder mostly. That sucker hurt like hell. I will never miss leaning over the cot with constant patting. I think you have covered most of the injury list 🙂 #FridayFrolics

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  23. Loved this post. I counted in the bath last night- I have 7 pretty colourful bruises scattered about my person. All are a result of a hit, pinch, kick or scratch from the baby. I feel like perhaps I should start wearing protective gear.

    #fridayfrolics

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  26. All so true but I have one to add. The headbutt – oh my goodness the headbutt! There have been times when his rock solid head had almost broken a tooth or a nose! What the heck are their heads made out of?! Great post 🙂 Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

    Reply

  28. This is hilarious and sadly true. My eyes are always being scratched out and my hair always pulled. And why does he insist on biting my chin?

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  33. Ok, now that’s just plain funny! I am currently suffering from temporary hearing loss due to the screeching that seems to reach its peak when closest to my ear! I am also a frequent sufferer of the fisher price headache. Great piece! Totally loved it. #TwinklyTuesday

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  35. I have a theory that my little one is going to become a WWE wrester or a kickboxer due to how violent she is. I’m often subjected to pulls of the nipples or chest hairs, scratches to the face and bites to the leg. I made the mistake of feeling for a new tooth the other day and she drew blood by clamping down on my finger. Little git.

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  36. others are:
    – “repetitive knee syndrome” from the constant bending/crouching/kneeling/floor based nappy changes….
    – “mummy elbow/shoulder” from the constant carrying/tidying/doing everything with one arm
    – “bionic senses” which allow you to see and hear the minutest thing from the other side of the house but only when it’s your child!

    That’s before the better known “tiger lines”,
    tilted bladder (making the constant need to wee even worse), lack of privacy for said wee (even when kids are 8&6yrs) and distress to sanity at the constant noise …

    That reminds me the other reason for The knee problems, praying that one day it WILL get easier, please!

    Reply

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