There are many hazards to owning a small person and any Mummy, or Daddy for that matter can sport one, or more, or maybe all of the following Mummy injuries.
The Fisher-Price Headache
Whether it’s the incessant noise that toys make or the fact that you’ve just been bashed over the head with one, there are headaches aplenty. Toys that induce such headaches have been known to ‘break’ or ‘get lost’, especially the ones the mother in law brings back from Spain that have a volume level that can make the neighbours complain. 3 doors down.
Your body becomes a human climbing frame and you bear the parks of tiny toes and finger shaped bruises all over your body. Not to mention the elbows that always seem to end up in precarious places.
Your hair was once a source of pride and you spent hours preening it to perfection. Now it’s used as a place to wipe snot and a swing rope for small people to hang off at any given opportunity. Side effects of small people can also include rapidly increased production of grey hairs and purchases of hair dye.
Marks of Jaws
Many a parent has made the rookie mistake of feeling for a pending tooth inside the mouth of a baby who already has some gnashers that they gleefully use to lock onto your finger. Other body parts are not immune to a random attack from the little shark you are rearing.
A common side effect of being a parent is limping or hobbling. The most common causes are:
- Stepping on Lego.
- Tripping over small people.
- Stubbing your toe on the cot when you have finally gotten them off to sleep.
- The remote control being dropped on your foot.
They may have mastered walking in a drunk uncle kind of way, but they still need to pull themselves up on something. Namely you. They have a vise like grip and are prone to attack when you are in the dangerous position of being on the floor. Here they can go for optimum pinch impact with areas such as bingo wings and nipples.
Very similar to tennis elbow, cot shoulder is the repetitive strain injury from may hours leaning over the cot stroking / patting / soothing the small person whilst they cut some new weapons to attack you with.
Bend. Lift. Bend. Carry small person and ton of accessories (not the built in kind). Bend. Lift. Bend. Piggy Back Rides. Squat. Bend again. Crawl around on the floor for hours. Bend. Lift. Repeat.
Small people can put you through your paces better than any boot camp instructor. They say the responsibility of being a parent is a big weight to bear. Your back sure takes the brunt of it!
Normally associated with babies, but also a common occurrence for parents too. Causes include:
- Small people shoving food / fingers / toys in your mouth.
- Small people using your mum tum as a trampoline.
- That moment when you are changing the small persons nappy and the poo goes under your finger nail.
No parent is immune to the unprovoked and quick thinking attack that is the eye gauge.
It’s a dangerous job this parenting lark!
I am currently suffering from limpititus and a Fisher-Price headache. I have three temporary branding marks on my arm and one mark of jaws on my finger. Do you have any parenting injuries to add to the list?
Many thanks to Katy for providing me with her fabulous drawings for this post as I have only mastered stick men. You can find more of Katy’s brilliant illustrations and hilarious musings on her blog Carry on Katy.
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