This is the hardest post I have ever had to write. It’s very personal. Things I don’t normally talk to anyone about. I’ve been staring at a blank screen for ages trying to make the thoughts whirling around my head make some kind of sentence.
I like to think my blog is an honest account of life with children and my observations. I talk about the good days and the bad days. Children are a blessing and give us many cherished memories. But they are also bat shit crazy little dictators who demand everything we have to give and more. I hope my blog paints a real picture of the ups and downs. I think we need all need to judge less and understand more. As honest as I am about parenting, I am not always honest about myself.
My confession is that I hate the way I look. And not in a “Does my bum look big in this?” kind of way. In a debilitating kind of way. My self esteem is incredibly low because of this and it effects me everyday. I’m finding it really hard to put into words how I feel, mainly because I don’t ever tell anyone. My confidence is so low that when I walk into a room and people are laughing, I assume they are laughing at me. I dread meeting new people because I think they won’t like me because of the way I look. I avoid having to go out socially because nothing looks nice on me and I don’t want people to stare at me.
These are irrational thoughts. I know that. But I have these thoughts all of the time. It’s always there hanging over me, taunting me and torturing me. I’m scared writing this post that people will be negative, or think that I am trying to get attention, when the truth is attention is the last thing I want. I would rather blend into the background.
You should be body confident no matter what size you are.
It’s great in theory. But I’m not happy the size that I am and I don’t want to look like this. Before I had my first child I lost six and a half stone in six months. For the first time in my adult life I felt happy with myself and as a result I had self confidence.
Two pregnancies later and a whole host of reasons and I’m back to where I started. I have a suitcase full of clothes in the loft that don’t fit. I feel like a failure because I didn’t keep the weight off. And the weight of that failure itself is crippling. I get into a vicious circle of comfort eating. I know that it is my own fault, no one else did this to me. What gets me down more than anything is missing that confidence. Knowing how different I felt in myself when I was happy with how I looked.
My long suffering husband bears the brunt of my anxieties. He’s the one to tell me I look nice and give me the confidence to leave the house. In fact any confidence I do have comes from him. And I know that is against any type of feminism to say. We shouldn’t need a man to make us feel good about ourselves, but my husband is my rock. One day I hope that confidence will come from within, but I also hope he never stops paying me compliments!
Even my friends and family don’t know how I feel. I don’t know if I feel to ashamed of the way I look to talk about it, or if I’m scared of being judged. Maybe in truth it’s the fear of failing again that stops me from being open with people.
Of course in writing this there is a fair chance some of my friends and family will read it. If that’s the case can you please just pretend you haven’t read this when we see each other.
So why now? Why am I putting this out there publicly for everyone to see? (may have just been a little bit sick in my mouth as I typed that).
I’ve been given an opportunity by LighterLife Fast to trial their 5:2 plan. It was an opportunity I couldn’t turn down. There are many reasons I want to loose weight, for my boys, to be healthy, but ultimately I want to do it for me. I want to be happy and confident. I want to walk into a clothes shop and have the pick of whatever I fancy rather than what hides me best. I want to stop having all the irrational thoughts. I want to feel like me again. I want to get back to loving me.
Trailing the LighterLife Fast plan means writing about it. I’m finding that part harder than the actual diet! I’m exposing my inner most thoughts and putting them out there for you to read.
Every Monday I will post about my weight loss and my thoughts and feelings, in this new weekly series; Loving Me. I hope that if people are feeling low about themselves that my posts will show they are not alone, and help them feel strong enough to make a change and a step towards being happy.
What is LighterLife Fast?
LighterLife Fast is based on the 5:2 diet concept. You eat healthily for 5 days and then fast for 2 days on restricted calories. On the fast days you eat 4 of the LighterLife Fast food packs. These food packs give you 100% of your daily nutrition. When followed correctly you could loose up to 2 pounds per week on the 5:2 plan.
My First Week:
I fasted on Monday and Tuesday. Monday was actually easy as my youngest was poorly and was attached to me like a limpet all day. It was hard to pee let alone eat! I felt hungry on Tuesday, but busied myself working Tuesday evening to distract myself. It was only the growling from my tummy that gave it away! It may have been because I have chosen to fast on consecutive days that I felt hungry on the Tuesday.
The food packs are a bit hit and miss as I find out what I like. I had the apple and cinnamon porridge for breakfast, the taste was great but it was a bit powdery. The second day I blended it and it was much nicer. The chocolate shake was nice and the bars are yummy and really filling. The only bad thing was the Mexican Chilli Ranchera which I just couldn’t eat, but it’s all down to personal taste.
A surprising thing about fasting is that I actually just craved normal food, not chocolate or junk. So this week I found it quite easy to stay on track and eat healthily for the rest of the week.
Unfortunately my son shared his germs and I was really unwell for a few days. I may have actually coughed up a lung. I definitely didn’t have an appetite, so didn’t eat that much for the rest of the week.
When I did eat I chose healthy options such as fruit, jacket potatoes and pasta. I am making a very conscious effort not to eat cakes or chocolate or crisps and other such naughty things!
Ultimately I found the plan easy to follow and feel positive about next week. But the proof is in the pudding so to speak!
Week One Weight Loss:
Thanks to fasting and that coughed up lung, but I’m very happy with that.
Come back next week for part two – Sticks & Stones.
This is a collaborative post.
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