Mum guilt kicks in pretty quickly once you become a Mum. Somewhere between the placenta delivery and your milk coming in you might get your first unwelcome dose of it. And there it stays lurking in the background of everything you do and every decision you make.
Should I have tired harder with breastfeeding? Maybe I shouldn’t return to work? Was I too hard on them? I should give them more of my time. I’m not fun enough. I shouldn’t have shouted at them. I forgot about World Book Day.
But the fact is Mum guild doesn’t serve any purpose other than to make us feel rubbish. Ditching the mum guilt requires effort. It means reframing your thoughts and taking some practical steps.
Changing the narrative…
So much mum guilt can be banished by simply being kinder to ourselves and reframing our thoughts. Look for the positives.
You are good enough
Some days our best is happy kids and everything ticked off the to-do list. Some days our best is simply getting through the day and getting everyone to bed ready to start over. We are all human, and that means sometimes we lose our tempers, sometimes we handle things with the upmost patience. Sometimes we embrace the noise and the chaos. Sometimes the noise and the chaos irritates us.
We can allow ourselves to feel happy or sad without the accompanying mum guilt saying we are crap or that we need to do better. We should be able to offload on a bad day and moan without adding the prerequisite of, “but I love them to bits” or “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Parenting is the best job in the world, but it’s also the hardest, sometimes the most monotonous and often thankless. But everyday we show up for another 24 hour shift and we do our best. So next time that Mum guilt pipes up, simply tell her to get back in her box, because you are doing your best.
Shit happens
Parenting involves a lot of plate spinning. There’s times when you find yourself plate spinning and juggling at the same time and it’s only inevitable that something is going to get dropped. We all make mistakes, forget things, mess things up. Instead of berating yourself for a mistake, simply acknowledge that something had to give and move on without the guilt tapping on your shoulder.
Kids perspective
If you are finding the guilt particularly difficult to silence, it often helps to see things through your kids eyes. Kids don’t see that you were too tired to cook them a nutritious meal. They think it’s cool that Mum let them have a carpet picnic in the lounge whilst watching a movie. Apologising to your kids after you lose your temper and shout at them teaches them about consequences and putting things right. Kids are pretty forgiving as well and a cuddle from them will send the mum guilt packing.
Practical steps…
There are practical things you can do to help with the overwhelm, which is always when mum guilt seems to be at her loudest.
You can’t do it all
Accept that you can’t do it all and be practical about it. Either some stuff doesn’t get done, or you need to enlist some help. Remember you are a family and that means working together and sharing responsibilities. It’s not all down to you.
Look after yourself
Sometimes we are not very good at putting ourselves first. But looking after yourself is just as important as looking after your family. And it can mean anything from a spa in Yorkshire to painting your nails whilst watching Gilmore girls. Do a facemask, go for a run, indulge in some retail therapy. Do something for you on a regular basis and redress the balance.
You can’t be any good to anyone running on empty, and when you are running on empty the mum guilt will be there banging her drums louder than ever.
Make the time
Whether it’s family time, couple time, or time for yourself, it’s all important. Only there’s never enough hours in the day. Sometimes it is a case of literally planning time into your calendar.
Maybe you can kill 2 birds with one stone, like going for a family walk and thus getting some fresh air and exercise at the same time.
Build things like family time into your routine. Maybe Friday nights are movie nights or games nights.
When things are overwhelming, make a list, then plan it across the week. It can often feel so much more manageable when you have a plan, and you can tell the mum guilt that you’ve totally got this so she needn’t hang around.
Ditching the mum guilt can be done, Reframe your thoughts and take some practical steps and you’ll find that mum guilt packing her bags and moving out.
You’re are doing great.
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