I am a short arse.  Have been all my life.  All you people who claim to be 5 foot nothing are positively tall to me.  5 foot is an illusive measurement that I have never reached.  Not even come close.

I don’t have a problem with being vertically challenged, it has never really bothered me.  Except for shoe shops.  Why do they insist on putting the smallest size shoes on the highest shelves?  It makes no sense people.  Us shorties have smaller feet.  Obvs.  Otherwise we would look like clowns.  Please, put the shoes where we can goddamn reach them.  It would save us the awkward embarrassment of asking the surly teenage shop assistant if she could stop talking to the emo teenage shop assistant about who had their tongue down so and so’s throat at the epic party last night, and please reach us some shoes.   I can drive a car, I can hold my own in a boardroom, I can manage the household finances, I can negotiate with a stubborn dictator toddler, I can push babies out of my vagina, but I can’t reach a pair of shoes in a shoe shop.

Anyway, shoe shops aside, I was bumbling away quite happily with life as a short girl.  Then I became a Mummy, and suddenly a whole new set of short girl problems arose.  Short girl Mummy problems.



short girl problems


1 The Cot

It all starts off fine.  You bring your little bundle of helpless joy home from the hospital in a state of awe and shock. You eventually emerge from the newborn fog and begin to feel like you have a handle on this. Then your baby gets clever. It starts reaching milestones and turning everything you thought you ever knew on its head.

Like the beautiful nursery you lovingly watched your husband decorate, and the gorgeous cot you stared at wistfully whilst stroking your pregnant belly.  You thought you were being savvy and practical by buying the cot bed.  But what the hell did you know.

One day that helpless baby is going to use those cot rails to pull them self up and perform all manner of tricks and you will need to lower the cot.  Then you will discover that you can no longer perform an essential parenting skill:  Being able to place your peacefully sleeping baby into the cot.  You have stretched over the cot and are at full arms length, and the baby is nowhere near the mattress.  If you stretch any further you are either going to bust a rib on the rails, or tumble head first into the cot with the baby.  Instead you have to devise some kind of bum first, then head, drop the baby maneuver.  All the time praying you have one of those ‘sleep through a bomb’ kind of kids.  I don’t.


2 Change Tables

Firstly there are some change facilities out there designed by actual giants.  I can’t use the change table if I can’t reach it!

Secondly the higher the baby and the lower the mummy, the smaller the head to arse area ratio becomes.  Therefore much closer proximity to rancid odours, and greatly increased risk of wee / shart in the face.  Nuff said.


3 Being asked for ID

Okay, so generally this one is not a problem.  I’m 37.  I seem to discover a new grey hair on a daily basis, and some days the bags under my eyes look like I’ve hit the Next sale.  It’s very flattering to be asked for ID.  But being asked for ID when the only bottle in your basket is a bottle of Calpol? Seriously? Calpol?  What are they putting in that stuff?


4 Buggy Boards

Such a great idea when you have a baby and another small person.  Not so great when the small person stands on the buggy board and you can’t see over their head to see where you are going.


5 Trolleys

I love seeing little ones sitting in the trolley, mauling a bread stick and trying to grab everything they see of the shelf. But babies get bigger. Their legs get longer.  My arms don’t.  There may or may not have been an incident in a supermarket car park involving one of my children getting stuck in the trolley because I couldn’t lift him any higher. You may or may not have seen me carrying my child across the car park with a trolley still attached to his legs.


6 You can’t reach stuff

Essential stuff.  Like the Easter Egg stash your husband put on top of the cupboards.  Damn him and his long arms.

2015-03-30 11.15.32

This is not the kids foot-step.  It’s mine!


7 Parks are scary

Especially when you are 8 months pregnant and your child decides he cannot get down from the climbing frame and you cannot reach to rescue him.  There is a perfectly good slide, but of course your child has decided that today he doesn’t like slides.  Cue pleading, bribery, negotiation, threats, and all other highly essential parenting skills.


8 Your Kid is always the last one out of school

Why?  Because when the doors open, the parents who were ten seconds ago milling about in the playground, casually shooting the breeze, suddenly rush forwards like it’s Black Friday.  And me?  I’m left at the back completely invisible to the teacher.  Not that I can see her over everyone’s heads anyway.


9 The tallest person always sit in front of you

I’m used to this at the cinema.  But at my kids assembly.  It’s not cool. Especially when he has the opening line.  I end up sat behind the tallest person who also has her hair in a big bun on top of her head for added height.  FML.


10 My kids will be taller than me.

Okay this happens to most mums.  Especially mums of boys.  The boys his their teenage years and gain gangly limbs and squeaky voices, and overtake their mums in the height stakes.  But my boys are going to be taller than me by the time they are 10 8!

Short stuff


As my Nanny used to say to me “All good things come in small packages.


I’ve got 99 problems, but being tall ain’t one.


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Claire Kirby

49 Comments on 10 Short Girl Mummy Problems

  1. BUUUTTTT? Do you have smaller feet as a trade-off, which allow you to score absolute bargains? I’d love a size 4 foot. So much nice stuff in the kids’ section.

    And of course I’m sorry for your height-related trouble.


  2. Haha! I’m 5ft 11! I used to hate being tall and really wanted to be short and cute, but being tall has grown on me over the years. I always hate the seating thing though, as I am conscious of the fact that I am probably taller than pretty much anyone who is sitting behind me, as I am well above both the male and female average heights, and am therefore probably annoying someone! #FridayFrolics

  3. Even I struggled with the cot bed thing when we still had the side on and I’m 5″9! It really needs some kind of electronic ascending mattress design. Must be a market for it! #FridayFrolics

  4. Love this post – really made me laugh. The Easter egg one is real bummer – does that involve dragging a chair over to climb on to to get said chocolate because I would definitely do that. Also your kid being the last out of the class – it’s so true – these mothers are on a mission to get their kids out pronto, and I never stand a chance either. I’m now resigned to it and I can arrive casually late these days and it’s not a problem! Small is beautiful! #FridayFrolics

  5. I’m not short really but the ID problem has always been an issue for me. I was ID’d for the lottery not so long ago. I must say however I now get pretty pissed off if they DONT ID me!!

  6. Oh I love this! I am not short, short but I feel short now that I married to Mr C. He is the shortest of his brothers at 6ft5, his brothers are 6ft6 and 6ft7, his Mum is 6ft, sister-in-law is 6ft1. I am considered short when stood next to them. However, my daughters are already taking after Mr C’s family as Oldest is the tallest in her class and despite being only 7 she is aged 9 clothes. I feel your pain. #FridayFrolics

  7. I’m 5 ft 3 and clearly the runt of the litter. I don’t know Claire, but I just imagined you were tall. Like you write tall, you blog tall, you tweet tall. Who Knew? Know I know! #FridayFrolics

  8. Being 5ft 7 I don’t usually have these problems. Apart from those trolleys that you can put the car seat on. If I can’t see how on earth can anyone shorter than me? I sympathise!

  9. I’m really tall so I always stand at the back of assemblies so that I don’t obscure the view for others, plus because I’m so lanky I can see everything. On the occasions when I have sat down the person in front is always taller/has big hair/a bun too…what is that? I’m quite envious of my shorter friends because invariably they have pairs of killer heels! #fridayfrolics

  10. Great things in little bundles. I’m 5’2 (so positively gazelle-like in comparison lol) but at 9 months pregnant I struggle to wash the dishes. I can’t get up to the sink AND reach the tap. So hubby has to do all the washing up – bonus!

  11. Er…HOW did I not know this about you? OMG it now turns out one of my bloggin’ besties is my flipping TWIN when it comes to shortness. Except…what is this…she’s not even 5ft?! Claire you’ve made my day. I just scrape past 5ft and am a proud erm 5fit 1 and a HALF. Ahem. [Takes a bow.]

  12. I am short so I can relate to all of these and more and coming from a huge tall family I don’t know how I literally got the short stick. lol Great post. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me. Happy Easter! #sharewithme

  13. Haha, I feel for you titch. It must get tiresome needing a leg up onto the settee or a piggy back when your little legs get tired. Love the ‘I’m not short…’ quote – I’ll share that with my mum who is 5 foot and 1/2 an inch.

    • You should see me pushing a CostCo trolley – Oh wait, no one can see me pushing a Costco trolley as I can’t see over the bloody things!

  14. Hahahaha! I never considered the shorty parenting problem. At a whopping (not dainty, elegant or in any way model-esque!!!!) 6 feet I have the opposite problem. I don’t have to drop my kid into the last few inches of crib (lol) but I do have to cripple my already crippled back to hold his hand and help him walk. I get the best views at every event but I’m the first noticed and so the first ‘volunteer’. Swings and roundabouts, my friend. Thanks for the chuckles and thanks for hosting!

  15. I am small. 5′ and well I can so relate to all this! I dread the day that my son will be taller than me! Will he boss me around? So many scary thoughts =P


  16. Teehee sorry to laugh at your misfortune but that did tickle me! Poor you getting them stuck in the trolley, what on earth did you do to get them out?! x

    • I had to ask a normal sized person to help! Cringe. From then on he always sat in the main trolley with all the shopping. Only problem was he ate faster then I could buy!

  17. “Mum I’m taller than you now” My daughter is 10 years old I know exactly where you’re coming from, excellent post!

  18. hahaha! This made me laugh out loud. Being ID’d for Calpol 😉 You’re such a drug dealer 😉 Never knew there were so many challenges that you faced, like putting a sleeping baby down in a cot! My mummy has bother with that too and she’s 5’10! #Sharewithme Thanks for raising a smile

  19. Ha, you had me laughing – not at your expense, you understand. I’ve got a ffootstall in the kitchen that I’m always stubbing my toe on too. There must be a dragon’s den opportunity here somewhere. You could invent a whole range of handy products for the vertically challenged mummy /daddy)!

  20. Ha, you had me laughing – not at your expense, you understand. I’ve got a footstalk in the kitchen that I’m always stubbing my toe on too. There must be a dragon’s den opportunity here somewhere. You could invent a whole range of handy products for the vertically challenged mummy /daddy)!

  21. Oh how I can relate to your woes. Admittedly, I’m not *quite* as short as you but have very similar problems and 5 ft 2.5. The worst one for me is never being able to see my own children in the school play as pretty much every other parent is taller than me. So annoying! And very true about the small shoe sizes being out of reach, although it does help that those with small feet seem to have a much better choice in the sales. Bingo!

  22. I am one of those people that say ‘I’m 5’ nothing…but I feel you!! I can relate to all of those things. Yesterday I had to get a step stool to look for something in the top drawer of my dresser, lol!

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