I know I am not alone in saying that my emotions are all over the place during this pandemic. How I am feeling can change every hour, and the range of emotions is exhaustive! From Negative feelings to feelings of contentment and everything in between.
But what I do know is that no one has the right to tell anyone else how they should be feeling right now. Negative feelings are real and just as valid as positive ones. The chances are whatever you are feeling, you are not alone.
So in a cathartic purge I am attempting to articulate my negative feelings, although this might just be a brain dump.
I feel full blown red mist kind of rage at the idiots who are not following the rules. If you think the rules don’t apply to you, you are wrong. If you think you are somehow more important than everyone else, you are wrong, and selfish. And if you don’t care, you are the lowest level of scum.
Then there is the press. Before Borris did his last address there were celebratory headlines about the rumours of schools reopening on the 1st June. No sooner is this confirmed in the announcement, then the headlines change to, “It’s not safe!” I think the press have a lot to answer for in how they have reported this virus.
The worst thing about feeling angry, is I hate feeling angry!
Is lockdown jealousy a thing? Because I think I have it. I am not normally a jealous person. In fact I think it’s a pretty wasted emotion. I’m not a grass is greener kind of person, I don’t try to keep up with the Jones’. But lockdown is making me crazy jealous. Between trying to home school the kids and working from home, and trying to ensure the house doesn’t turn into a pile of crap, I have no time. And I am so jealous of the people moaning that they are bored! I want time to learn a new hobby, or at least finish one that I started three years ago!
And the rational part of me knows that the chances are these people want to be at work. The fact they are not maybe causing them huge financial worries. But I can’t help it. Corona is bringing out the green eyed monster. Even though the grass isn’t always greener.
I’m not very good with not knowing. If I know I can plan and it will all be ok. But not knowing sends me spiralling. Combine this with the fact that I have always hated any kind of ‘end of the world’ predictions, books or movies. They genuinely scare me. It leaves me feeling scared.
I went to the supermarket for the first time a few weeks ago. I wasn’t sure if I should be watching over my shoulder for zombies, or being really quiet in case ‘they’ heard me. I’m joking. Kind of. But life doesn’t feel real out there. It’s all very strange and apocalyptic and I kind of missed people invading my personal space and standing too close to me at the checkouts.
But I am genuinely scared of anyone I know getting the virus. I’m scared about how long this is going to go on for, and I’m scared about what ‘normal’ looks like after all this is over and the country tries to recover from this economically.
And if you are going to say, “Chill, what will be will be, don’t worry about it”. Please don’t. Right now I’m not sure if I am jealous of your laid back zen or if I want to clobber you over the head with my last toilet roll.
Another irrational feeling that makes me feel really crap about myself when it gets the better of me. Brutal honesty here, in the early days of lockdown I found myself really resenting the husband.
Our situation meant that I was taking care of the kids, homeschooling them, and trying to keep on top of the house in the day, then going up to squeeze a few hours work in at 5, before eating dinner and collapsing into bed, ready to repeat it all again the next day. And whilst I was doing this it felt like nothing had really changed for the husband bar the location of his office.
However, the husband is a good guy, and between us we realised we needed to make some changes for this new situation to work, and thankfully we had the flexibility to do that. Now we recognise that there maybe times when I am repeating, “what’s two add on one more?” in a desperate sing song voice, that his zoom meeting look quite fun. But equally there are times when he would much rather be spending his time with the kids, than be in back to back meetings.
The thing that always makes me cry in all of this is when I think about what the kids are missing out on at school. Yes education, but also socially. Time with their peers. The school trips, sports day, productions and assemblies. The end of year discos and last day of term. You can’t get any of that back. And even more so for the poor kids finishing primary, secondary or college education.
Every time we get a message from the school I feel a bit weepy. I never got to thank their teachers properly. They never had enough time with those teachers. And I think this year at school will always feel like the incomplete year.
And I know that we are not expected to be teachers. I know that all kids are in this same boat. But none the less it’s the biggest thing that makes me cry in all of this.
Then of course there is the sadness at not seeing friends or family. The novelty of zoom calls having warn off, I would very much like to see those I love in all of their three dimensional glory.
Worried about health, worried about job security, worried about money, worried about how the kids are handling all of this, what will be the long term effect, worried about their education, worried about family and friends I see struggling, worried about what the ‘new normal’ looks like, worried we will never get back to the old normal. It just goes on and on! I really wish there was an off switch for the thoughts in my brain!
The last day of school was Little’s birthday. It was a weird day where I felt desperately sad, but slapped on a big smile for my very excited little boy. His birthday party was cancelled. The first of many things including our much looked forward to holiday, a weekend away with my best friend, a girls night out, plans for my husbands birthday.
I know I am not alone in having had to cancel plans, and there are much bigger problems in the world right now. But we all have a right to feel disappointment for the things that will not come to fruition.
Just the simple act of watching the news can be overwhelming right now. But the juggle of trying to keep everyone happy in the confines of the home feels like a lot. There has been shouting, and door slamming, and a lot of “It’s not fairs'” thrown around. Little’s latest catchphrase is, “I hate Coronavirus”
And they are right. Even when life is ‘normal’ it’s full of highs and lows. And whilst lockdown has moments of enjoying simple pleasures and each others company, It also has moments where we are all sick of each other and this situation and vent are frustrations at how much this all sucks.
In those moments where I feel like I am failing at keeping everyone happy, the overwhelm is huge. The irony of being in isolation and just wanting to be alone is not lost.
Feeling guilty for sometimes finding this hard when there are others so much worse off than me. Guilt that although we are confined to the same house, the husband and I are seeing less of each other than we normally do. Guilty of not doing enough for my kids. Guilt that some days I am tired and snappy. Feeling guilty that no one is getting the best of me. Guilt that I’m not keeping in touch with friends and family enough. Errghh!
Maybe you have felt some of these things. Maybe you have felt all of them. No two days in this situation look the same. Some days there are tears and I yearn for things to go back to normal. Some days are genuinely relaxed and lovely and we all enjoy one another’s company. There are highs and lows.
If you are finding it hard to cope with the lows, and are struggling with negative feelings, there is help out there, even during a pandemic. And you don’t need to worry about leaving the home. BetterHelp offer telephone counselling. You can find out more about telephone counselling and how it could help you here: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/counseling/get-telephone-counseling-when-and-where-you-need-it/
Thanks for listening to my brain dump!
This post is sponsored by BetterHelp
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