When you decide to start a family there are books galore about pregnancy and babies and how to look after them, leap weeks, and 10 month sleep regression. And when you start raising this tiny human you can’t really imagine them being a teenager. The thought of them starting school seems a long way off, let alone leaving school. And yet. Somehow that day comes around so fast.
There have been a lot of changes in my house recently. My eldest left school, started an apprenticeship where he is earning his own money, and he turned 17. I wasn’t prepared for the emotional overwhelm and the brutality of ‘letting him go’.
When people talk about parenting teens, they talk about the mood swings. The fact that they eat you out of house and home, they forget everything, and wet towels on the floor become the bane of your life. You find empty cartons in the fridge and the clingfilm looks like it was attacked by a badger. They become nocturnal and start seeing you as an ancient relic.
I expected all of that. It is the universal teen. Sometimes its exhausting and really hard work. Sometimes it’s hilarious and they are so much fun. It ebs and flows and you somehow muddle through.
But nobody really talks about how hard it is to let them go. How suddenly you don’t make the decisions anymore. I learnt a few years ago that any clothes I buy him must be pre-approved. Otherwise they will remain in the wardrobe with the tags still on forever more.
I no longer know all of his friends. When they were little I knew his friends, their parents, siblings and sometimes grandparents. Now all I have to go on is a name.
I no longer have any influence over his music taste and I use the word taste very lightly! I agreed to watch a film he has been raving about with him the other day. It was easily the worst film I have ever watched in my life. And I’ve watched Cats! We seem to operate on very different wavelengths these days.
He giggles knowingly at rude jokes. Talks in a language I don’t understand, and he thinks Jenna Ortega is hot.
He’s started going to parties and I’ve had to start staying up way past my bedtime to make sure he is home safely. He has the occasional beer at home, and I am under no illusion to the fact there is alcohol at these parties. Maybe that scares me because I remember my own teenage escapades and drunken misadventures.
We all have to find our limit with alcohol, and in order to find it, you have to go past it. And knowing he will more than likely do that in the absence of my company is scary. And if he’s anything like his parents, he will do it more than once.
You have to put so much trust in them that they will make the right decision, and if they make the wrong one they will do the right thing. All the things about being safe, respectful and somewhat sensible that you have drilled into them you have to hope and trust that they will remember. But sometimes it’s hard to trust that when they can’t remember to put the milk back in the fridge, even though you’ve told them at least 100 times.
Sometimes it feels heavier because mistakes are bigger. There are more serious consequences to mistakes they make at this age. And they won’t be solved with the naughty step or confiscating his tablet. Big mistakes can be life altering. I am lucky that he is very open with me and tells me things. Sometimes he is too honest for his own good! But I have to be chill and listen without judging because I want him to tell me things. Even though on the inside I am screaming wtf!
My role in his life has changed. In many ways I reap the benefits of his independence. I have more time for myself. The days of tag team parenting with the husband are behind us. We can even go out together without having to plan months in advance and organise childcare. With his freedom I also regain some of mine.
But I am not the centre of his world anymore. Yet he is still the centre of mine.
It is a privellege to watch him turn into this amazing young man. To see him experiencing life for the fast time. He is a great kid (mood swings aside). He’s kind, he’s interested in the world around him. He does his chores (with a side of complaining that his little brother doesn’t have to do as many). And his bedroom is the tidiest room in the house. Don’t worry, I am not being smug. His younger brother leaves a trail of destruction is his wake and his bedroom looks like a bomb hit, or as I find myself turning more and more into my mother, as she would say (and did say frequently to me) a pig-sty!
I know that all of this is normal. Nobody wants to see a mother cutting up her grown up sons food or blowing his nose for him. That’s just weird and creepy. It’s right that he doesn’t need me in the same way anymore. It’s great that we have raised an independent young man who can mostly think for himself (with a little influence from tiktok). And I know that he is good and kind and mostly sensible, but I also know that he still can’t tie a knot in a dog poo bag, and until very very recently thought that electric cars wouldn’t work in a power cut.
Raising a teen requires some grit. A lot of muttering under my breath in the same way that he does. Trying to let things go and be ‘chill’ about the state of the bathroom. Roll with the sudden changes to plans, or the announcements like “I don’t eat beef anymore”. It’s coming to realise that your own life experience is nothing but a lecture to them, they need to figure it out for themselves and get their own life experience.
There are just so many things I want him to know. And things I never want him to do. And finding the right balance of how often to say these things without becoming a bore that he tunes out is hard.
So these are my safety ‘Rules’ for my 17 year old son. The ones I bang on and on about hoping with everything I have that they stick.
- Text me when you arrive somewhere. Text me when you leave. Non negotionable.
- Be aware of your surroundings. If a place feels dodgy it probably is. LEAVE!
- Don’t leave your drink unattended. Ever.
- Don’t EVER get in the car with a driver who has been drinking. I don’t care if it’s four in the morning and you have to call me to come get you. I will come get you and I will not be mad. I will be forever grateful that you made the right decision.
- If you are worried about the state a friend has got themselves into, call for help. If a situation is too big for you to handle, call for help. If you don’t know what to do, call for help.
- Consent. Consent. Consent. Always Consent. Silence is not consent. And if someone says no accept it. Handle the rejection with dignity.
- ALWAYS wear a condom.
- Never be pressured into doing something you don’t want to do. And remember real friends won’t pressure you.
- Remember you can’t control what other people do, or how they behave, but you can control your reaction.
- Photos last forever.
- Your life matters more than your reputation
- You can ALWAYS call me
So go, have fun, and I promise to try and not worry, or hug you too hard when you get home. I can’t guarantee I will be successful. But I will try.
And to my own parents; I’m sorry. I didn’t realise.
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