My eldest son turned 15 yesterday. I think the only thing I can say for sure in my 15 years parenting experience is that nothing ever stays the same! Apart from maybe the fact that I’m still winging it now, as much as I was the day we bought him home from the hospital. The teenage years are strange for parents. After so many years of keeping them safe and under your watch, you suddenly have to let them go and trust they will be safe on their own. This post looks at how to give your teenager freedom without losing your mind!
Creating Autonomy and Independence
We all want to raise humans that are capable and can make their own decisions, and hopefully make good decisions! Creating autonomy and independence are vital skills. Teenagers want to feel a sense of control over their own lives. It is only natural that parents of teens want to protect them, but we must do so by giving them more freedom and trusting that they will have the self-discipline to stick to their boundaries.
Giving Freedom Gradually
The good thing is you child doesn’t wake up a teenager and suddenly go out until 3am every night. The freedom you give starts gradually. Maybe walking home from school themselves, popping to a nearby shop, go out with friends. It can be a delicate balance to get right, and you will both make mistakes. You need to trust that your teen will behave responsibly and stick to agreed boundaries. Likewise your teen needs to trust that you will listen to them and consider moving boundaries that they may feel are unfair.
Teens need to build skills that come with their freedom, such as knowing how long it will take them to get home, and using that to inform them when they should leave. Time management is definitely linked to teen freedom!
Knowing Your Reasons
“But my friends are allowed” I think the peer pressure I am put under as a parent is worse than when I was a teen! My kids have never been able to grasp that their “my friends are allowed” argument is never going to wash with me. So many things come into play when it comes to allowing your teens freedom. Our own childhoods and what we were allowed to do, where you live, their social circle, what’s going on in the world around us, their academic performance. But sometimes we do need to take a step back and assess the situation based on our child and how they behave and ignore the rest of the noise around us. Ask ourselves do we not want them to go somewhere without us for a valid reason.
Often parents of teenagers will find one of them feeling more comfortable with the freedom given than the other. Whilst this is natural because we all have a unique lived experience, it’s also important that when making decisions you and your partner communicate effectively and hear each others concerns.
Building Trust
Make it clear to your teenager that freedom and trust are linked. The more they operate within the boundaries you have set, the more freedom they will be granted. The more they abuse your trust the less freedom they will have. The choice is theirs. Just be prepared that there will be mistakes, they will make bad decisions, and they may not always meet your expectations. It’s all part of the learning curve.
Setting Boundaries
Unlimited freedom can actually lower a teens self esteem. Boundaries are still very much needed, however much your teenager may protest otherwise! Every parent’s boundaries will be different. But you need to set clear boundaries with your teenager, and ensure they know what your non negotiables are. For example we have a Where, Who, When policy. We need to know where they will be, Who they will be with, and when they will be home. And if any of this information changes, they need to let us know either by calling us or sending us a text message. You might set a curfew, or set physical boundaries in terms of where they can travel to.
Consequences
What do you do if your teen does push the boundaries? It’s finding a balance between being so hard on them that they rebel, and so lenient that they flaunt the rules. Consequences for actions should be fair and understood.
Open Communication
Your teenager still needs a safe space. Home should be that place where they can talk about their feelings. Keeping the lines of communication open will make your teen feel heard and allow for discussions about next steps when it comes to more freedom.
Explaining your reasons for saying no to something that might not be age-appropriate, or you don’t feel they are mature enough for, won’t make you your teens best friend, but it will show them that you care about their mental health and well-being.
Peace of Mind
There are many tools that as parents we can use to give us peace of mind when the teenagers are out on their own in the big wide world.
- Make sure your teens mobile phone is charged when they go out and they have a power bank
- Ensure they have emergency contact numbers
- Use a safe word if your teen needs you to pick them up but doesn’t want their friends to know
- Give your teen a personal tracking device so you know where they are at all times.
Conclusion
It can be really hard to give your teenager freedom. But it’s also amazing to see them grow and flourish with their new found freedom.
We would love to know your tips for setting boundaries when it comes to teens freedom. How much freedom do you give your teenager?
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