A Guest Post by Babi a Fi
The series all about the parenting fails that prove there really is no manual for this job.
This weeks guest post comes from Jess who blogs at Babi a Fi.
Jess gives us a run down of her top rookie mistakes, which I’m betting she’s not alone in making.
What’s the Worst That Can Happen?
Those were the fateful words I uttered as a barely 12-month-old Marianna chowed down on a mixture of tuna sandwich, crisp, and custard at my mother-in-law’s annual Boxing Day family get together.
We found out some fifteen minutes later, when a fond rendition of ‘bouncy, bouncy, baby’ was replaced by horrified shrieks.
Yeah. There was projectile vomit.
Tuna, crisp, and custard projectile vomit, all over teenage cousins dolled up to the nines for the party.
And my mother-in-law’s expensive sofa. And carpet. And the new party dress she had bought the baby for Christmas.
We haven’t had an invite to their house since…
Because if there is one thing I’ve learned since becoming a mum is that if something can go wrong, it probably will. Here are five other parental mishaps which, in hindsight, could have easily been avoided.
#5. Water, Water Everywhere and Not a Drop to Drink
“Drink!” cried Marianna, like some kind of pint-sized comedy priest. “Drink!”
“You’ve got a drink,” I replied, temper all too obviously fraying around the edges.
“Drink! Drink! Drink!”
Something snapped, right there in the middle of the supermarket.
“Mummy’s given you a drink! Why don’t you just try drinking it!?”
Tears might have been shed. They weren’t the baby’s.
Then I checked the cup. Mummy had left the cap on.
Mummy sucks like that.
#4. Under Pressure
The only thing worse than being left to your own devices with your new baby, is having a stranger come round to check up on how you’re managing being left to your own devices with your new baby.
Visits from midwives, health visitors and all other health professionals make me nervous. I feel like I’m being tested – and usually found wanting.
Two particular visits stand out. The very first after she came home from the special care baby unit, when Marianna was stripped off only to reveal she still had a plaster on her back. After days of being home, and at least two baths…
The other a few weeks later when, in the process of being stripped for weighing, Marianna decided to pee everywhere.
Hilarious, except for everyone covered in baby urine.
#3. Chocolate Chaos
No child of mine was going to be eating sweets, or chocolate, or anything not of healthy, organic, free-range, free-trade origin prepared by my own fair hand. This changed the moment Marianna actually arrived.
I do try and limit the amount of rubbish she eats though, not just to reduce the risk of vomcanos, but also for her general health and wellbeing.
Daddy is not quite so forward thinking.
The most memorable occasion was the day Anthony had arranged to go out with his friends for the evening. Before he left, buoyed with the thought of reliving his bachelor days, he let Marianna eat square after square of his chocolate bar.
It was 3am before Marianna even thought about going to sleep.
#2. Bathtime is (not always) Funtime
Marianna was dubious at first, but after a few sessions of attempting to burst my, Anthony, and the next door neighbours’ eardrums, Marianna decided she actually really enjoyed bathtime.
When she got a bit older she even began to like the shower – even moreso if it meant showering with mummy or daddy. Which is great for those days when it’s a mad rush to get her bathed and in bed before you need to go back out for a meeting.
It’s not so great on those days Marianna decides to commemorate the special occasion by using the shower as a potty.
In fact, I’d go so far as to say those days aren’t great at all…
#1. Constant Vigilance
During my pregnancy I went on an eight week Flying Start antenatal course, all of which I relayed dutifully back to Anthony. His mum bought him a parenting book and, before Marianna could be discharged from SCBU, we had to go through an entire tickbox parent course to make sure we were aware of everything from cot safety to feeding guidelines.
I felt confident, then, that when I went back to work Anthony was more than capable of doing things properly.
At least I was until the day Marianna was screaming, and I was trying desperately to cool down a bottle of freshly made formula to a less A+E trip inducing temperature.
“Just put some cold water in it,” suggested Anthony.
“I would,” came my testy reply, “if we had any.”
The cooled boiled water was all gone, and we would just have to put up with screeching. That was our punishment for not being good little boy scouts.
Anthony just looked at me in confusion. “I always just fill it from the tap.”
The only reason the kettle was involved at all was because babies like warm milk, according to Anthony.
Thus, I learned my most important parenting lesson.
Never assume anything!
Bio: Based in south Wales, Jess blogs about life, love, motherhood, and whatever else takes her fancy over at Babi a Fi (Baby and Me). By day she is a councillor for and deputy mayor of Torfaen, by night she is a tea drinker and bum wiper extraordinaire!
What’s been your most memorable Rookie Mistake?
You can read previous guest posts from the Rookie Mistakes series here.
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