A Guest Post by The Mummy Bubble
The best* advice on the internet.
You’re a few weeks in to the child-rearing process and your squidgy little bundle of joy still won’t sleep through the night.
You’ve given them the eight-week grace period to learn about the difference between day and night. You could maybe give them a couple of extra weeks to be kind because, you know, they’re quite immature.
But here we are nearly three months in and they’re still not doing a solid 12 to 13 hours a night like great-aunt Maud’s babies all did.
What the hell are you doing wrong? What have you missed? The answers lie here:
You need a solid routine
Timing every detail of your baby’s day down to the millisecond will absolutely take the stress out of parenting.
Just think of your baby like a military cadet. They need whipping into shape and tough love if they’re going to follow your every command.
Offer your baby milk every three hours and not a drop in between. Sleep must occur every 90 minutes and decent naps should last more than 30 minutes so that means you’ve got about 10 minutes to make them fall into a deep sleep.
They must take naps in their own bed. Just put them down drowsy but awake and you’re laughing. Plus think of all that lovely “me” time.
Make it official with a fridge planner, that way if you have a bad day you can see how badly you’ve failed every time you go in the kitchen. This will definitely help to motivate you.
Let them cry
It’s really time they started to toughen up now. If your baby doesn’t learn how to self-soothe then he’ll still be sleeping in your bed at 18. You don’t want to be THAT family!
So when it’s 3am and your 10-week-old baby is whinging away, just leave them to it. You’ve got to be cruel to be kind.
Ignore all of your mothering instincts to comfort them. They’ll thank you, one day.
Keep them up all day
How on earth do you expect your baby to sleep all night when they’re catching so many zzzs during the day.
Ditch those naps pronto. Crying and rubbing of the eyes just means it’s working.
A nip of whisky in the bottle (it didn’t do your grandad any harm!)
Alcohol solves a lot of ailments in babies if you listen to your great-granny’s pearls of wisdom. It’s used for teething, colic and sleep issues.
Forget the fact that giving your baby booze is illegal, it’s all just ‘elf and safety nonsense being pedalled by the pushy PC brigade. If you want a decent night of sleep, get some shot glasses out. This is a totally sensible and acceptable way to handle a newborn.
Throw money at the problem
There are loads of products out there that promise a good night’s sleep. It’s right there on the packaging, so why should you believe any different?
Get your purse out and start shopping. One of the best times to do this is in the middle of the night when you’re tired and desperate for answers. Spending £100 on a white noise machine, magic blanket and soothing light display will be worth it, even if you end up not being able to afford to eat every day this week.
After following all of this golden advice you will be waking up at 7am feeling completely refreshed and rested. If your baby still isn’t sleeping through the night, she must be faulty. I suggested a check-up with your midwife who definitely won’t look at you like you’re mental when you complain your nearly three-month-old isn’t sleeping through.
*Disclaimer: Do not listen to this or any other advice telling you when or how your baby should sleep through the night. They will do it when they’re ready. Stress less and rest when you can are the only bits of advice you really need.
About The Mummy Bubble…
Vicky is a mum of two girls under three. She loves to share her tips for parenting little people, tales from the frontline of motherhood and all the funny stuff in between. For more from Vicky visit The Mummy Bubble
Thanks to Vicky for taking part in this new series. There’s always one Mum who happily tells everyone her child has been sleeping through since they were six days old. Don’t worry, parenting karma is a real thing. That kid’s going to poo in the bath every night.
This post is part of the How to Parent series. If you wish to take part in the series you can email your submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org.