There are plenty of things I look forward to hearing this Christmas; my children’s excited squeals, tearing paper and of course The Pogues! But there are several sentences that I don’t want to hear this Christmas.
1 “Sale starts NOW!”
January sales are supposed to start in JANUARY. The clue is in the title. Why are you reducing everything 2 weeks before Christmas when I have already paid full price for it. You create this feeling of panic in September by filling your shelves with Christmas goods, so we buy before everything runs out, then you mock us with your sales. I don’t want to hear about your sales.
2 “I was finished in October”
We’ve all got that friend haven’t we. When you are elbow deep in wrapping paper and ribbons, you have lists coming out of your ears and you have a Christmas glow which is actually sweat from all the frantic running around you are doing. You really don’t need to hear your smug friend telling you “I was finished in October. All wrapped and everything.” They might just find a mince pie shoved in their gob.
3 “We left it in the bin”
Online shopping is a blessing and a curse. The curse is when it comes to the delivery. What do you mean you left the package in the bin? That’s where stuff goes that doesn’t come back in the house. Ever. I don’t want to wade through my bin of stinky nappies to find the parcel you left in there. The parcel I have been waiting for for weeks. The parcel containing the thing my kid has asked Father Christmas for. What do you mean it was left in the bin on Friday? That was bin day. FML.
4 “He’s been”
Okay we all want to hear our kids delirious with wonder when they discover that Father Christmas has been down the chimney, eaten his mince pie and deposited some gifts. It’s not what they say with this one but when they say it. Two O’clock in the morning is not really an ideal time. I’m not at my best. Quite frankly at two O’clock in the morning I don’t care if he has been and left Gerard Butler under my Christmas tree with a tag with my name on it and “not just for Christmas”. It’s TWO O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING.
5 “I’ve already got that”
Can be replaced with “I didn’t want that”, “clothes are boring” or “Mummy said I couldn’t have that because it wouldn’t last 5 minutes”. On the whole I have well mannered children, but they are children and are therefore honest and lack social filters. Most of the time we adore them for the little gems they come out with. There are also the times we want the ground to open up and swallow us so we can avoid the awkward silence that follows. Don’t be fooled into thinking these unwelcome gift insights are reserved for their toys. They will quite happily tell Grandma that you don’t like that perfume she bought you too.
6 “The baby has swallowed some of my Lego”
Is there anything you don’t want to hear this Christmas.
Merry Christmas Everyone.
Check out these other festive posts…