Twas the night before Christmas, when all thro’ the house,
The children were feral, and had head louse;
A child was crying ’cause someone didn’t share,
Another was frantic because they’d lost a stuffed bear;
Daddy was pleading “Is it time for bed?”,
While mummy was muttering ’bout de-licing their heads,
The tree looked dishevelled, no thanks to the cat,
Who played tennis with babbles, his paws were the bat.
They watched Santa fly past with thanks to NASA,
And ate so many mince pies they were already fatter.
Mum waited for the inevitable sugar crash,
She checked her to-do list and waxed her moustache.

The kids sang carols and put on a show,
And they started to feel that Christmassy glow;
When, Mum was struck with sudden panic and fear,
Where had she hidden that giant toy deer,
What if the turkey made people sick,
Had she bought enough veuve clicque?
Did she remember a present for what’s her name,
What if the kids got two gifts the same?
They might give the nits to Great Auntie Vixen,
Had she remembered carrots for Blitzen?
Did she get everything in the big Sainsburys haul,
She definitely got wine, there’s no doubt at all!”
At least it’s time to bid the elf goodbye,
That bloody thing is a pain in the eye;
The Pinterest perfect gift wrap can’t be true
Who has the time, there is too much to do.
What if the children found out the truth,
The eldest is suspicious he’s acting the sleuth.

Dad senses that Mum is heading for a meltdown,
So he pulls her in his arms and twirls her around:
He whispers to her “It’s the best Christmas yet,
One that the kids will never forget”;
He massages the muscles in her back,
And whispers something ’bout later in the sack:
His eyes – how they twinkled! She giggled now merry,
As she opened the orange chocs made by some bloke called Terry;
She needed to relax and go with the flow,
She channelled Elsa and sang ‘Let it Go’;
Perfection is over rated, not worth the grief,
All we need is a tree with some gifts underneath.

She hugged the kids tight and tickles their bellies,
They giggled and danced, and wriggled like jelly:
They watched Christmas movies, and toasted their health,
And she got all sentimental in spite of herself;
She squeezed both the children as she tucked them in bed,
And briefly considered giving some kind of sleep med.
Once they were sleeping, they went straight to work,
Creating Christmas magic was a parental perk.
She found that giant toy deer under some clothes,
Along with the other gifts she had lovingly chose.
She fell into bed, exhausted but content,
This Christmas madness can cause you to vent:
But at the end of the day it’s worth the plight,
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

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Merry Christmas!

If you enjoyed this version of ’twas the night before Christmas, you might enjoy these other festive posts…

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Claire Kirby

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