The moment you announce you are expecting a child people start to give you little warnings about the things you can’t do when you are a parent. “Get some sleep now because you won’t have any for the next 18 years” Said with a hearty gafaw.

But most of the warnings revolve around sleep and money and the lack of both. But where are the real warnings. The things no one tells you that once you are a parent you will no longer be able to do. And why doesn’t anyone tell you? I mean sure becoming a parent is amazing and wonderful. But don’t you have a right to know all of these things up front? I mean hand on heart, if I had known number two in advance, it could have been a deal breaker.

24 things you can’t do when you are a parent…

things you can't do when you are a parent

One

Leave the house spontaneously. It does get slightly easier the older they get, but there is still planning involved. “Get your shoes”. Should we take drinks and snacks? What about coats? “Please put your shoes on”. Will they need a change of clothes? Do we need something to keep them entertained in the car? “SHOES”. Don’t forget Bear. “Has everyone been for a wee before we go?” “Where the hell are your shoes?”

The days of keys, wallet, phone and go are long gone.

Two

Lick the bowl after baking a cake.

Three

Eat food without having to share. Although I did get away with the line “It has got nuts in, and you’re not allowed nuts” for about 6 years with my eldest!

Four

Lie in without planning it in advance and taking part in some fierce negotiations with your other half.

Five

Finish a single thought in your head.

Six

Listen to music of your choice. It starts innocently enough with a few nursery rhymes, but before you know it you know all of the words to the latest boy bands song and you know who the members are, and probably feel a bit ashamed for fancying one of them even though you are old enough to be their mum.

Seven

Pee alone

Eight

Shower without poking your head out the door mid shampoo to shout “stop fighting”, “In the drawer” or “No, please don’t get the glitter out”.

Nine

See a fire engine without shouting “LOOK FIRE ENGINE”. Kids over 8 are totally unimpressed with this, and people take cautious steps away from you when you are standing at a crossing with no kids.

Ten

As above, but swap fire engines for cows in fields. “LOOK, COW” Sometimes followed up with a loud “Mooooooo”.

Eleven

Get the baby shark song out of your head.

Twelve

Ignore the washing pile. Miss just one day and it all goes wrong and before long you will find yourself wondering if it will be easier to just buy new clothes!

Thirteen

Find a piece of chocolate on the floor and eat it. That is a dangerous move.

Fourteen

Unwrap your own birthday presents. Blow out your own birthday candles. Keep your age a secret from anyone, including the lady at the Sainsbury’s checkout.

Fifteen

Drink a hot cup of tea.

Sixteen

Have a daytime bath without a small person stripping off and joining you.

Seventeen

Read more than a page of a book without being asked a question.

Eighteen

Visit Smiggle without being fleeced of a small fortune.

Nineteen

You can’t stop questioning kids TV programmes. Why are the Tomliboos bigger than the Ninky Nonk? Where are Ryder’s parents? How does Miss Rabbit hold down all those job? WTF is flop supposed to be?

Twenty

Talk to someone on the phone without having to break up a fight or attend to the most urgent pressing need. The more important the phone-call the more incessant their whining becomes.

When Little was younger I was on a work call and he kept asking to talk on the phone. When I say kept asking, I mean asking on a continuous loop, only pausing for breath every now and then, and taking that said breath only increased his volume. In the end I had to ask my client to talk to him. So professional!

Twenty-One

Go to the toilet without stepping in wee. (Is this just a Mum of boys thing?)

Twenty Two

Swear after stubbing your toe. Well you can. But expect to hear your chosen swear word repeated in front of Great Auntie Aida.

Twenty Three

Navigate the supermarket without some kind of bribery. It’s a good day when these are snack based. On a bad day you come away with yet another cuddly toy. And yes I know it’s illogical that the worse the behaviour the bigger the bribe and reward. But needs must people.

It’s once saw a Mum leaving a shop with her small child and a teddy bear the size of a ten year old. I guarantee it wasn’t on her shopping list. The mum didn’t make eye contact with anyone. It’s the parental walk of shame.

Twenty Four

You can’t imagine your life without these small people who somehow fill your heart and drive you crazy at the same time.

Can you think of any more things you can’t do when you are a parent, that no one warns you about?

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Claire Kirby

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