The Rules For Playing Cafe With A Toddler

Yesterday I ate 2 slices of pizza, a hot dog, a banana, 2 strawberries, some corn on the cob, three cakes and an ice cream.  All served with cups of tea, and without a single calorie.  Of course it was all plastic and served to me by my toddler on tiny plastic plates from cookware filled with mud and stones.

It’s been a while since I played cafe’s, so I had forgotten most of the rules for playing cafe’s with a toddler.  I was given a very stern reminder.  Most of you appreciated my post about the rules for playing cars with a toddler, so I thought I would help you all out by sharing the cafe rules.  You’re welcome.

The Rules For Playing Cafe With a Toddler

1 Just because you asked for a slice of cake doesn’t mean you will get a slice of cake.  If the cafe owner wants to have peas, then you shall eat peas.

2 The menu is subject to change at any time, without any warning.

3 Eating conditions can be cramped.  Especially when you are expected to consume the food inside the playhouse.

4 Cooking of any food can be done in somewhat unorthodox methods.  Cakes can be made on the stove, and ice cream cooked in the oven.

5 NEVER question the cooking methods.

6 Do not expect any level of presentation when it comes to the serving of your food.  Sometimes, if you are lucky, it will be served on a plate.  Mostly it will be lobbed at you.

7 Everything served in the cafe always costs two pounds, regardless of what it is.  Ensure you have the correct money as the amount of change given can be questionable.

8 The only exception to rule #3 is rip off Wednesdays when everything served will be fifty pounds.  The presentation of the food, will not be reflected in the price hike.

9 Expect all food to be licked prior to being served.

10 You MUST pretend to eat everything you are given.

11 Yummy noises and “It’s delicious” are mandatory for all servings.

12 Don’t be too convincing with your yummy noises, or you will have to share your food with the cafe owner.

13 If you attempt to claim to dislike anything expect to hear your own words echoed back to you.  “It will help you grow big and strong”.  “Just one more mouthful”.  “Why do I bother”.

14 The food can be served with any of the following without question; dirt, sand, grass, a random Pom Bear, ‘Anthony’ the Ant, and or a car.

15 You will be given approximately 10 seconds to consume your food, before it is rather rudely taken away from you, regardless as to whether you have finished or not.

16 There will be no break between courses.

17 You will be expected to do the washing up, despite paying for your food.

18 You are not full until the cafe owner says you are full.

19 The cafe owner reserves the right to shut the cafe without any prior warning.  Opening times should be seen as an estimate only.

20 Do not expect to see a food hygiene certificate anywhere in the vicinity of the cafe.  The cafe owner can be described as ‘grubby’ at best.