Yesterday I ate 2 slices of pizza, a hot dog, a banana, 2 strawberries, some corn on the cob, three cakes and an ice cream. All served with cups of tea, and without a single calorie. Of course it was all plastic and served to me by my toddler on tiny plastic plates from cookware filled with mud and stones.
It’s been a while since I played cafe’s, so I had forgotten most of the rules for playing cafe’s with a toddler. I was given a very stern reminder. Most of you appreciated my post about the rules for playing cars with a toddler, so I thought I would help you all out by sharing the cafe rules. You’re welcome.

The Rules For Playing Cafe With a Toddler
1 Just because you asked for a slice of cake doesn’t mean you will get a slice of cake. If the cafe owner wants to have peas, then you shall eat peas.
2 The menu is subject to change at any time, without any warning.
3 Eating conditions can be cramped. Especially when you are expected to consume the food inside the playhouse.
4 Cooking of any food can be done in somewhat unorthodox methods. Cakes can be made on the stove, and ice cream cooked in the oven.
5 NEVER question the cooking methods.
6 Do not expect any level of presentation when it comes to the serving of your food. Sometimes, if you are lucky, it will be served on a plate. Mostly it will be lobbed at you.
7 Everything served in the cafe always costs two pounds, regardless of what it is. Ensure you have the correct money as the amount of change given can be questionable.
8 The only exception to rule #3 is rip off Wednesdays when everything served will be fifty pounds. The presentation of the food, will not be reflected in the price hike.
9 Expect all food to be licked prior to being served.
10 You MUST pretend to eat everything you are given.
11 Yummy noises and “It’s delicious” are mandatory for all servings.
12 Don’t be too convincing with your yummy noises, or you will have to share your food with the cafe owner.
13 If you attempt to claim to dislike anything expect to hear your own words echoed back to you. “It will help you grow big and strong”. “Just one more mouthful”. “Why do I bother”.
14 The food can be served with any of the following without question; dirt, sand, grass, a random Pom Bear, ‘Anthony’ the Ant, and or a car.
15 You will be given approximately 10 seconds to consume your food, before it is rather rudely taken away from you, regardless as to whether you have finished or not.
16 There will be no break between courses.
17 You will be expected to do the washing up, despite paying for your food.
18 You are not full until the cafe owner says you are full.
19 The cafe owner reserves the right to shut the cafe without any prior warning. Opening times should be seen as an estimate only.
Haha! Love it! But I’m very jealous that you at least get food that is real food! I get egg tea and chicken cake! #FridayFrolics
Hahaha all so true! I had to eat ‘fish’ crooked in the ‘washing machine’ the last time we played cafes. Love this xx #BlogCrush
haha I love this post! Brings back memories, makes me miss those days so much! #blogcrush
We went to an actual real life cafe where number 15 was all too real! Give me a toddler cafe any day…There’s always the chance Mr Bloom may be sat at the table next to me!! #fridayfrolics
Exactly! I never play pretend right! So many rules!
#fridayfrolics
OMG that’s hilarious! When mine were young, everything came with lemons….we obviously had a thing for lemons…..#FridayFrolics
Fake eating the food is never quite good enough.
#fridayfrolics
At some point my gross little monster would serve me a poop sandwich and I would declare the brunch over. I kind of miss those days now #fridayfrolics
haha … so cute. Just imagine if it was like that in real life. Maybe that’s how kids feel it actually is!
#fridayfrolics
The Toddler Cafe is an amazing place! And what would John and Greg say about the presentation and some of the flavour combinations?!
Haha so true especially 1 and 15. You’ve got to love play cafe cafes #fridayfrolics
Loved that one! The toddler cafe is a confusing place full of wonder and mystery! #FridayFrolics
A-maze-ing!! This is so utterly spot on and has given me a good chuckle!