AKA What not to buy a child if you want to remain friends with their parents.


The big one turns 5 in a couple of weeks and he is already giddy with excitement about the day and his gifts, and the prospects of what being 5 might entail.

He will of course be spoilt rotten by our lovely family and friends, and it will take me a month to find homes for all his newly acquired toys.  Thankfully this will mean getting rid of some of the old ones.  Especially the cheap party bag/magazine free crap/99p shop bits that somehow take over my house!  It would appear he has reached an age where the desired toys begin to get smaller.  This year Lego is ‘awesome’.  Whilst it takes up less room than the toy kitchen and workbench it seems to spread out everywhere!

Before I had children I never really knew what to buy children.  I’m still not sure I know now unless it is for my own offspring.  What I do know is what not to buy them. 

So here is my top three gifts never to get a kid.


What not to buy children



1 Cuddly Toys

He has about 50 of them and only ever plays with 3 of them.  The same 3 for the last 4 years.  The others do not get touched.  He is not interested.  It doesn’t have wheels!  But what’s worse than a cuddly toy, is a giant cuddly toy.  You know the ones that are bigger than the kid.  They usually have a big bow round their necks which your child will instantly put their head through and run round the house with the giant teddy attached to their necks.

These are definite gifts from people without kids.  People with kids know how much crap and accessories these small people come with, and therefore know that you have no room in your life for a teddy bear that requires it’s own bed.  If anything comes to stay in my house bigger than the small people it’s going to get charged rent.


Banned Toys



2 Pens / Crayons / Colouring Pencils / Colouring books / Paint / Anything that remotely resemble craft stuff.

When the big one turned 3 everyone who came to his party bought him craft stuff.  I am not exaggerating.  His poor little face as he opened another parcel saying “More crayons Mummy”.  I am still working through the supplies from that birthday, and I do believe we have enough to keep a pre-school running for a good few years.  I had to empty my sideboard in the dining room and it became the ‘craft cupboard’.

I have nothing against crafts.  In fact I encourage mt children to do drawings and be creative.  But seriously how many crayons does one kid need?  (Just a side note, but is it just my kid that always want to do painting when I’ve just cleaned the dining room? Not wanting to restrict his creative development I dutifully cover the table with newspaper, get out all the paints and his apron, then he sits there for all of 30 seconds and decides he’s had enough!)  Please no more craft stuff because one craft cupboard is more than enough to keep this family’s creative juices flowing.


3 Whistles

Who in their right mind buys a kid a whistle?  Do they not know that said whistle will enter the child’s mouth and stay there until it is surgically removed?  And it won’t stay there quietly, oh no.  Talking will be replaced by whistling.  Breathing will be replaced by whistling.  Any sound in general will be replaced by whistling.  And there are only two types of sounds a whistle can make.

There’s the EEEEEEEEEEEEE, EEEEEEEEEEEEE, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, or the E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E.  And it’s never eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, or e. e. e. e. e. e. e. e. e. e. e. But always EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Are you getting the picture?

If you think about it when do you hear whistles?  In the playground at school to signal stop what you’re doing, a policeman directing traffic, a ref stopping play.  They are used in situations to get someones attention quickly and urgently.  We are conditioned to stop what we are doing when we hear a whistle.  So when your child is communicating to you through the medium of whistle, it puts you in a state of permanent alertness and tension.  Constantly on edge.  It’s impossible to think straight with the constant tinnitus inducing pitch hammering its way into your brain.  It makes me want to sit in the corner and rock and maybe pull my own ears off at the same time.  It is equivalent to nails down a chalkboard, an incessant car alarm, crunching ice cubes and biting tinfoil all at the same time.

We have a ‘no whistle’ rule in our house ever since someone decided it would be an ideal ‘you’re a big brother’ gift for the big one when the little one was born.  I am not joking.


So be warned if you buy a whistle for either of my sons you will have it shoved where…


All other gifts will be gratefully received, thank-you 🙂


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Claire Kirby

33 Comments on That’s the best present ever!

  1. Yes! Agree! Pencil cases is the other thing we get loads of. My daughter got about 5 at her last birthday party. I’m always so grateful when people come to my children’s parties and are generous enough to bring a present, but as you say, there are some presents you just don’t need in your life. And as for those whistles that you always get in party bags…. arggh!!! Just why?! #fridayfrolics

  2. Aaargh – the cuddly toy!! So many of them are so ugly too. My son has NEVER engaged with a cuddly toy, other than the huge crocodile from IKEA that has variously been used as a tummy time prop, a cushion and a bedmate.

  3. Ha ha – this made me smile so much! I can also relate – last year when Little Pink left nursery in readiness for starting big school all the teachers handed out goody bags, containing, you guessed it – the world’s loudest whistles! Reckon they were trying to get their own back! #FridayFrolics

  4. we seem to have a lot of singing dolls floating around. Just as bad as musical instruments if not worse. Same songs over…and over….and over…

  5. HAHAHAHAHA! I nearly choked laughing. Seriously. You know how I’m prone. I share your pain – we always get given those pipe-whistles in party bags. WHY? By the time we get home I am ready to drive straight into the wall. Hilarious. x

  6. Haha – I’m going to make sure I buy these for the kids of parents I hate, especially the whistle. I agree with the cuddly toys – we got loads for Baby L and she didn’t / doesn’t do anything with them. We even got the same rabbit 3 times, yay!

  7. Ha! Oh how I hate whistles. In Bangkok there seems to be a surplus of people for limited jobs so created a bunch of positions which basically involved waving your arms pointlessly at traffic and blasting a whistle. Over and over. I always walk past these guys and try to trip them in a desperate hope they’ll inhale the effing thing. Whistles are such a passive aggressive gift. Any that enter our home will be mysteriously ‘lost’ soon thereafter.

  8. Who would do such an awful thing??? Fancy giving the brother of a newborn a whistle, I hate to break it to you but I don’t think that friend likes you. Sorry!

    Fab list and I have taken note. #TheList xxx

    • To be fair the person mentioned doesn’t have kids and doesn’t really have a clue. When my 5 year old is running around pretending to be batman they look genuinely concerned for his mental well being! I have tried explaining that’s just what 5 year old boys do, but I don’t think they believable me!!!

  9. Hilarious – already I am feeling your pain! I’m already being tortured with various musical baby toys let alone bloody whistles! Fab post x

    • I had forgotten what it is like tidying up after a baby. My eldest is 5 so is into older toys now. But the baby got loads of toys at Christmas and I have to remember to turn everything off. If not be prepared for mild heart attack when some random toy starts singing at you when you are snuggled on the sofa enjoying the peace 😉

  10. Oh wow.. I cannot imagine the horror of a whistle entering our house haha luckily no one has bought my step daughter a whistle yet, but with a second one on the way there is plenty of time yet!

    Emma | frillsanddoodads.com

  11. My daughters received numerous gifts over the years that were spirited out of the house while they were sleeping…
    A drum, 2 recorders, a couple of singing toothbrushes plus lots more! There’s only so much a mum can take, what are these people thinking?
    Happy 5th birthday wishes to your son, here’s hoping he doesn’t receive anything that drives you mad!

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