You know those perfect parents, the one’s that get everything right, and their children are little angels? No?  Me neither.  Show me a parent who hasn’t made any mistakes and I’ll show you some pants on fire.  It makes no difference whether they are pretty french knickers, Bridget Jones Granny Pants, or David Beckham briefs.  There’s a blazing inferno right there.

Here are my tales from the front line.  The rookie mistakes I made in my first five years of parenting.  Of course, I only made them with my first son because when the second came along I knew exactly what I was doing.  Can you smell smoke?!

 

1 Never leave the house without a change bag

It doesn’t matter if it’s a quick trip.  You are leaving yourself wide open to:

  1. A projectile vomiting incident that could mean you end up driving home in your bra
  2. A nappy leak that could mean you end up driving home in your bra and the baby wrapped in nothing but a blanket.
  3. Getting stuck in a lift with no snacks for your toddler. (I think I would rather drive home in my bra)

None of these ever happened to me.  I would never be stupid enough to make the same mistake twice. Cough.  Cough.

 

2 Never boast about your baby sleeping through

The moment you do you will be up all night with a baby that wants to do anything but sleep for three weeks straight.

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3 Never follow through on your threats

Ok maybe you should, otherwise Super Nanny could be banging at your door.   But think about the threats you are dishing out.  Once you have taken their favourite toys and banned the television you’re on your own!

 

4 Never buy a years supply of their favourite snack

You may feel smug that their chosen snack is healthy.  You may feel smug that it was on offer and you got a bargain.  But the moment you get those snacks home your toddler will declare that they don’t like them anymore.

 

5 Never assume that your little one can’t take the lid of the Sudocrem

They can.  That stuff doesn’t come off.  The same can also be said for humous, Weetabix and cheap face paints.

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6 Never ever go on holiday and forget ‘bear’

What kind of parent goes away and forgets their child’s night-time buddy?  The one they can’t sleep without.  No good will come of it.

  1. There will be tears (theirs and yours).  Every night.  For the whole holiday.
  2. There is an increased risk of your child needing therapy for the rest of their life.
  3. You will excluded from any Parent of the Year prizes for life.

 

7 Never forget to turn a toy off at night

When it starts singing at you through the monitor in the middle of the night, the fright will shorten your life expectancy and cause a slight irrational fear of said toy from that day on.  It’s watching you! Seriously, don’t you remember Chucky?

 

8 Never tell a four-year old they are going to a friend’s house until it’s time to go

Especially when it’s an afternoon play date.  Never has their been more cause for the phrase broken record.

“Is it time to go yet?”

“Is it time to go yet?”

“Is it time to go yet?”

“Is it time to go yet?”  “Is it time to go yet?”  “Is it time to go yet?”  “Is it time to go yet?”  “Is it time to go yet?”  “Is it time to go yet?”  “Is it time to go yet?”  “Is it time to go yet?”  “Is it time to go yet?”    “Is it time to go yet?”  “Is it time to go yet?”  “Is it time to go yet?”  “Is it time to go yet?” AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

9 Never leave your nipple exposed

One minute you are enjoying an early morning cuddle in bed with your baby.  The next they are clambering around on you like you are a human climbing frame, and using anything they see fit to pull themselves up.  Anything.

 

10 Never take your three-year old to the dentist with you

Especially when you are having a filling.  Can you do all three of these at the same time?  Whilst in the dentist’s chair…

  1. Show no fear of dentist and his evil needle and convey no sign of pain whatsoever.
  2. Tell your child to sit still and not drink the pink water whilst you have your mouth clamped open.
  3. Sooth your crying child (and when I say crying, I mean hysterical) when they don’t like the sound of the drill.

 

I could go on forever.  Did anyone get that manual on raising kids?  It might make my life a bit easier!

 

I’ll leave you with one final tip for free:  Never tickle a potty training child.

 

Check out my Rookie Mistakes Series featuring parenting fails from guest bloggers every Wednesday. If you are a blogger and wish to take part you can find the details here.

 

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Claire Kirby

44 Comments on Rookie Parenting Mistakes

  1. Pingback: Being a Mother
  2. Brilliant. With the exception of the nipple I’ve done all those plus a lot more.
    Even with the new baby I’ve made the “Its only 5 minutes we dont need a changing bag” mistake.

  3. Yes! This is all so true. The toys that go off randomly are the worst … We have a little police car that every now and then plays a song it’s never played before!
    I haven’t managed to forget the changing bag yet, but have had to rush home for a clean vest!
    #pocolo

  4. These are absolutely brilliant. I think I could have read them on and on and on. So funny and I have done many of things too! lol We are all in the same boat. Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me. I hope to see you again Wednesday for another great round. #sharewithme

  5. Oh this is SO funny – I love it! Ha ha never tickle a potty trained child! Oh you’re so right with all of them – if I ever tell people mine is a good sleeper I instantly regret it. Darn karma 🙂 Mim @ http://www.mamamim.com #TheList

  6. I still never learn from the “don’t forget the changing bag mistake” snot, sick, the other, all wiped up with various other absorbent things.
    And the sleeping through thing, I have to tape my mother in laws mouth up its her favourite brag… argghhhh shut up!

    Great Post

  7. Haha brilliant!
    I can’t believe you managed to make the mistake of forgetting your changing bag on more than one occasion! Definitely a rookie mistake haha. There were many occasions where I left the house with the change bag but realised at the crucial nappy changing moment that I had not replenished the nappy stocks.
    It’s quite embarrassing having to ask someone else if you can borrow a nappy haha x

  8. Haha, fab post! YES to number 7. How many times have both my husband and I nearly had a heart attack at this. We have also kicked / tripped over / knocked toys that have ended up in our room or on the landing and run with them in frenzied fear of them waking the baby!
    PS – New site looks fab 🙂

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