Our relationship has reached it’s end. My feelings aren’t the same anymore.  I want to tell you that it’s not you, it’s me, but I think deep down Alexa, we both know we’ve had our parts to play.

image of echo dot Alexa

In the beginning I was cold.  It took me a long time to let my guard down and trust you.  It was you who did all the pursuing  You showed me daily how great you were, how you could make my life better.  you were egged on and encouraged by my husband and children, who it’s fair to say were head over heels in love with you from day one.

I tend to be a few steps behind when it comes to new technology.  I resisted an iPod for years in favour of my hundreds of lovingly collected and alphabetically ordered CD’s.  But when I finally succumbed it was one of the greatest love affairs of my life.  I couldn’t be without my iPod.  It’s one of my most favourite things in the world.

I was the same with my Kindle.  A devout bookworm, nothing would ever be the same as turning pages in a book.  Books could not be replaced.  But then the kids came along and slowly their brightly coloured story books took over my bookshelf, until I only had one precious shelf left for my all time favourites.  So the Kindle entered my life and I was converted.  I didn’t look back. 

I thought things would be the same for you and I.  That I would grow to love you and depend on you, and not be able to imagine my life without you.  Only it hasn’t worked out that way. You haven’t enhanced my life in any way.  I often fail to see your purpose or benefit to me.  I know that sounds harsh, but can you tell me a single time you have actually helped me?

My husband says I should use you for shopping lists and to-do lists.  And I tried.  I really did. Lists are brilliant, I love a good list.  In fact I normally have several on the go at any one time. But I like to write a physical list on pretty stationery, that I can pin to the fridge and see at all times.  I like the sense of achievement and satisfaction from crossing things off my list.  Lists make me happy. But not with you.

My husband wanted you to replace our kitchen calendar.  But I painstakingly pick that calendar every year.  Part of my new year ritual is writing in all the birthdays and planning our holidays.  I enjoy it.  And being able to glance at the calendar whilst I’m making the kids lunchboxes tells me everything I need to know in five seconds.  Where as it would take you five minutes to tell me the information.  And that’s without the kids interrupting.

For a while I used you as an oven timer.  A pretty expensive bloody oven timer, but it was great to issue a command whilst my hands were otherwise engaged putting the dinner in the oven.  Only this process furthered the downfall of our relationship.

You see, I could accept that you weren’t going to change my life or radicalise the way I do things.  You could have still been a part of my life.  But what I just can’t get pass, or forgive, is the fact that you just don’t listen to me.  It started with the timer. “Alexa, Stop” I would say. But you would carry on beeping.  “Alexa, Stop.”  “Alexa, STOP.”  Sometimes you would stop for two seconds and I would breathe a sigh of relief, but then you would start beeping again.  It’s as if you were taunting me on purpose.

But it didn’t end there.  You seem to understand and listen to everything my husband and kids say to you.  Even Big’s never ending questions about Harry Potter.  But when I would say something simple like “Alexa, add sour cream to the shopping list.”  You would reply “Scream has been added to your shopping list.”  At least you tried on that occasion.  Most of the time you just tell me “I’m sorry, I do not understand.”  No Alexa, I’m sorry, I’m sorry you can understand my seven year old asking you “What is Albus Dumbledore’s favourite food in Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone?” but you can’t understand me asking you, “What is the weather today?”

I spend most of my days not being listened to by to small people, and more often than not the husband.  I repeatedly issue commands such as; “Put your shoes on.” “Wash your hands.” and “Stop picking your nose.”  I have no more room in my life for people who don’t listen to me.

It dawned on me the other day, whilst dinner was burning and I was stood in the kitchen repeatedly shouting “STOP” at you, that I no longer recognised myself.  I don’t like the person you have made me become.  Our relationship has become poisonous and there is no coming back from it.  I am better without you.  

I know that my husband loves you, and that’s fine.  I’ve been around a lot longer than you, and I am secure enough in my marriage not to be threatened by you.  I’m not the jealous type.  But as far as you and I go, we’re done.  My life will be better not having anything to do with you and your sultry tones.

I tried to love you, but you failed to forfill me, and you pushed me away.  

Goodbye Alexa.

P.S Don’t ever think for one second that you run this household.  I am the keeper of the lists and the calendar, and until the day that you can cook a spaghetti bolognese, my position here is safe.

 

If like me, you live with a gadget geek, or happen to be one yourself, then I have no doubt you will love Alexa.  You can purchase Alexa through this affiliate link.  It means I get a few pennies which I like to think of as compensation for all the times she hasn’t listened to me!

 

 

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11 Comments on Alexa, We Need to Talk

  1. I love this post! It seems like everyone in the world is in love with bloody Alexa and I’m the only one who is worried about this evesdropping no gooder that wants to reorganise our lives. But I’ve managed to keep her at bay so far and after reading your post will make sure it stays this way (ha!). Thanks for writing this 🙂 Emily

  2. We bought an Echo when they were reduced and it does have its place. We never really used it for lists. It has three functions really.

    The first, and mostly used function is to play music. That was one of the main reasons for getting it and it works great. The second, we often ask – what time does so and so shop close – and it lets us know fairly accurate.

    Finally, the kids like to ask it amusing questions.

    It has its uses – though never things that are important.

  3. I love it when she picks something on the TV to respond to with the very typical answer, I do not understand? She is a step up from Siri and a long way from help. At least she can play music and NPR news. Great post! #fridayfrolics

  4. Ah, Claire! You are fabulous! I’m right there with you with the calendar thing. I LOVE my calender. My husband says “use notes on your phone” My son will say “Use the calender on your phone It’ll send you notifications!” sod off, both of you. Im like Claire. I love my calender. Hahaha… Professor Dumbledore question, I can just imagine it! Liz xx
    #FridayFrolics

  5. I don’t have an Alexa, but I can’t see that I would ever get on with her. She sounds like one of those friends who constantly promises you will meet up, but never actually gets round to it. xxx

  6. Hmmm, I’ve gone old skool wth life organisation – I’ve reverted to my paper diary, post-it notes and shopping lists on paper. Alexa and I would never have a good relationship either. Pen x #Fridayfrolics

  7. I loved this post as much as I love Alexa (sorry, but I love that lil gadget like it’s ice cream in July). When it goes missing I know it will be because my husband (who has a thick Tanzanian accent) has had enough and thrown it out the window.

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