Rookie Mistakes is a series where guest bloggers divulge their parenting fails, and make us laugh or inspire us in the process. After all, I have yet to meet a Pintrest perfect parent in the actual flesh.
This weeks guest post comes from Louise, who blogs at The Confusing Diaries of a Puzzled Mummy. You know when you plan a lovely day out, and your small people decide to turn feral on you. So feral, they are more at home in the monkey enclosure…
Mama’s Gonna Take us To The Zoo Tomorrow
I’m unsure why I felt a trip to the Monkey Forest with my 3 year old would ever be a good idea.
Probably because it was in the midst of summer and I was in a cheery and positive mood, ready to receive a ‘Mum of the year’ award for taking my child to a Monkey Forest. How bohemian and spontaneous of me!
The outing began successfully and I was really getting in to the swing of being laid back, fun mum when my son pointed out that there were some giant trampolines over in the play area and “pleeeaaaasee” could he and his younger cousin go on them.
However, only two seconds after paying a months mortgage for them to access the trampolines my son wanted to get off.
“Ok Oliver just come off and put your shoes back on and let Ava carry on bouncing. She’s enjoying it”
“Come get me!!”
“I can’t come and get you sweetheart! Just bounce off!”
I glanced nervously at the trampoline assistant who was staring in to space, oblivious to the fact that my son was starting to freak out.
“Come get me mummy! I’m scared!”
For F**** sake!
I wave over at the assistant to ask if I can pop on to the trampolines to help my son off, but now she’s taking money for more kids to get on.
Sod it. I can nip on, bounce along the trampoline, pick my son up and bounce back before she even notices.
I jump on. Jesus Christ! No wonder he’s scared! Are these safe? How are you even supposed to stay upright! There’s too many kids on this bloody thing. I get jostled and jerked to the other side where my son waits for me, now in tears.
“It’s ok, mummy’s got you”
He looks back at me with uncertainty in his eyes.
“EXCUSE ME!!” Blasts a woman’s voice over a microphone. Yes. A microphone.
“NO ADULTS ON THE TRAMPOLINE!”
“I’m not ON the trampoline as such!! I’m helping my son OFF!”
“PLEASE VACATE THE TRAMPOLINE!”
“I’m trying! I’m trying!! Just tell all these kids to stop bloody bouncing!!”
Several tuts are noticeably heard from onlookers. My sons starting to look slightly embarrassed, clearly forgetting this is all his fault.
I manage to scrabble off with my child in tow and then order him to get his shoes on.
Times now up for the rest of the kids on there and I wait to help my niece off and look around for her shoes that have been slung somewhere in her anticipation to get on.
My sister in law returns back from wherever the hell she has been as this chaos has been unfolding and takes over. At which point I turn to find Oliver.
Oh no wait, I can just about see him…..what’s he doing? Wait. Is he? Yes..he is mounting himself over the fence of the monkey enclosure.
“Oliver! Don’t you dare go over there!!”
I start running over to the fence with thunder in my eyes and low and behold..in he jumps.
So my son is now in the monkey enclosure. Fabulous! What a wonderful day this has turned out to be!
As I get nearer to him I order him to come back out. It is strictly forbidden for anyone to access that area. He looks at me. And he runs.
I have no choice. I have to get in.
Now it’s one thing getting told off by a woman half your age for jumping on some kids trampolines. It’s a whole new kettle of fish when you then have animal guides shouting at you to “GET OUT OF THE MONKEY ENCLOSURE! YOU ARE IN GREAT DANGER!”
A great many people are now stood at the fence with wide eyes and open mouths. I spot my sister in law hanging her head in shame.
Anyone would think we were in there with fricking King Kong, not a handful of Barbary Macaques! Although the ‘danger’ they are referring to could be in relation to the nettles that are stinging my bare ankles.
Thankfully I caught the little basta….. erm, monkey and we evacuated the enclosure. We then evacuated the Monkey Forest.
And by evacuated I mean we were escorted out.
And probably never allowed to return.
The Confusing Diaries Of A Puzzled Mummy is run by Louise, Mother to Oliver aged 4. She blogs about the trials and tribulations of motherhood and although mainly humorous she is sometimes a bit mouthy. Her life is pretty much clouded with disaster but she self medicates with Prosecco and cheese.
You can follow Louise on facebook and twitter.
Have you made any Rookie Mistakes on a family day out. Mine is so bad I have never confessed to anyone. A proper terrible mother moment. If you get me drunk at BritMums, I might reveal!
You can read previous guest posts from the Rookie Mistakes series here.
If you are a blogger and wish to take part in the series you can find out more here.
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