I have only ever wanted two children. I have everything I want.
I absolutely do not want to go through another pregnancy, I’m too old, and it’s too hard. There’s the tiredness, the sickness, the crankiness, the tears, the sheer discomfort, the sleepless nights, the weeing all the time, the not being able to do up my shoes, the backache, the no prawns, the not being able to sleep on my front, the not being able to wear anything nice, the no wine, the pain of walking, the worry, the labour, the stitches!
Then there’s the newborn fog. Forgetting just about everything including my own name, 2am feeds, not having time to shower or do my hair, 3am feeds, sore boobs, no wine, 4am feeds, still not being able to wear anything nice, 5am feeds, post pregnancy belly, 6am feeds.
My husband and I are on the same page. We love being parents, we love our two boys to bits, but we are done. So done he has scheduled his appointment for ‘the op’. And whilst I am 100% sure this is the right thing for us, it fills me with a sense of sadness. That’s it. No more babies. Each first for my little O will be my last experience. No more name choosing, no more watching my bump for kicks, no more scans. I will never again experience the intense emotions of childbirth, the fear, the relief, the elation. No more gas and air! I will never again cradle a naked newborn fresh from the shop. I will never have a first night with a new baby again. No more first smiles or giggles.
I have a lump in my throat as I write this because time is going so quickly. Too quickly. I’m excited by all the milestones ahead but at the same time I want to slow time down and make the baby stage last longer. H is 5 next month and before I know it we will be planning O’s first birthday. Blink and you miss it.
I am so grateful for the two healthy boys we have. Each development they both make fills me with pride. There’s two biggies this month, H’s first day at school, and O’s first solid foods. Big milestones. Signs my boys are growing up.
Is it ok to be 90% happy about it and 10% sad?