OK kids listen up. There are things in life we have to do. Coz we’re kids. It’s the rules. It has come to my attention that some rules are not being followed adequately enough when it comes to travelling in cars. If you are arriving at your destination with calm and happy parents, then you are not fulfilling your role as a kid, or following the rules. There are a certain amount of things you must do in the car in order to achieve your full kid potential.
Follow my simple car journey rules for kids, and the parents will definitely arrive at your destination stressed and willing to do anything for a quiet life. We all know that means saying “Yes” to pretty much anything we ask. If you’ve followed the rules well, then you should only have to
ask demand your ‘want’ once.
With the holidays coming up you might be going on a long car journey soon. The parents will have planned for this in finite detail and military precision. Full safety measures have been taken into account. The car has a full tank of petrol. The engine has been topped up with oil and water. The boot is fully loaded. The tyres are full of air. They think they have prepared for everything. Show them who is boss.
1 The classic “Are we there yet?”
This question is guaranteed to drive any parent up the wall. It is best used repeatedly with intensifying frequency. Start the torture approximately 5 minutes into your journey.
2 Eat all the snacks in the first 5 minutes.
The parents think they have this journey sussed, and that they have provided enough snacks to keep you quiet for the duration of the journey. Eat your snack stash immediately, and 10 minutes later proclaim you are hungry. Repeat this statement regularly. Approximately 1 minute after each time you ask “Are we there yet” should have the desired effect.
Easily consumed in 10 minutes
3 Insist that you need a wee.
Optimum times for doing this are 5 minutes after you have stopped in the service station, or when you are stuck in a traffic jam. Beware that this one can backfire. Don’t be too insistent unless you do really need to go wee wee, because chances are you’ll find yourself bare bottom, weeing in the grass whilst cars drive by, with absolutely no privacy. It’s a liberty.
4 Change your mind about the entertainment you chose.
The parents may have said you could choose a DVD to watch in the car, and let you choose which one. But again, this is purely for their benefit, with the objective of keeping you quiet. Change your mind and protest loudly about wanting to watch another DVD that is still at home. To really drive home the point, decide you want to watch the DVD that the parents suggested you bring in the first place. Their stress levels will go through the roof as they will actually feel guilty for not packing it for you anyway.
5 Be a backseat driver.
Let’s face it this driving lark is easy. You’ve been practicing it since you were 10 months old when you got your first steering wheel. Tell the parent driving that they should slow down, drive faster, and be more careful. They love the advice, especially Daddy’s. If Mummy and Daddy appear to be having one of their ‘discussions’ over which way to go, give them the full force of your opinion on the matter. Alternatively breaking down into tears and wailing about being “lost forever” works really well too.
6 Request your beats.
Now there’s only so long you can do this one before Mummy and Daddy give you headphones, so use it to your advantage whilst you still can. Insist on listening to your music at a loud volume. I find Cbeebies and chipmunks works really well. To increase the impact and stress levels, pick one song and demand to listen to it over and over and over and over again. Do not allow anyone to sing along other than you.
7 Ask lots of questions.
You can never ask too many. Particularly at times of high concentration such as driving. Always start each question with a “Muuuuuummyyyyyy?” or a “Daaaaddyyyyyyy?” But never ask the question until they have responded to your initial address. If they don’t respond, repeat the “Muuuuuummyyyyyy?” or “Daaaaddyyyyyyy?” until they do. Asking for things you want when they are distracted at roundabouts will normally get a “Yes” that you can hold them to later. It’s also a great time for complex questions such as “Where do babies come from?”
8 Complain about the temperature.
Now this is tricky if the parents have a fancy schmancy car that can have a different temperature in the back to the front. Chances are your car doesn’t have this. Moan that you are too cold, and watch as your parents slowly melt in the front as they bear the full force of the heat you have required. This also works with being too hot. Win win.
9 Be annoying.
If you are following these rules up to now, then you are doing a great job at annoying the crap out of your parents. But don’t rest on your laurels. There are tons more things you can do:
- Play with the windows.
- Kick the back of the chair.
- Winge. In your most winey voice. (Especially in traffic jams).
- Drop all your toys on the floor.
- Refuse to participate in any distraction games such as counting red cars or I-spy. (If you do get cajoled into playing I-spy, remember to choose something random that you can’t actually see and doesn’t actually begin with the letter you said anyway).
- Have an argument with your sibling. (Bonus points for making them cry).
- Make strange noises. Loud ones.
- Interrupt the parents conversation. Frequently.
- Declare you want to go home.
10 Forget something.
Leave it as far into the journey as possible to inform the parents of what you have forgotten. Probably the thing that the parents reminded you not to forget, like a hundred times. If you have a flair for the dramatics, (and quite frankly what self-respecting kid doesn’t) tears can work really well here.
Good luck my friends. Enjoy your journey.
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