Small people hear everything. And quite often repeat everything they hear. Usually to random strangers or the next door neighbour. And usually it’s something highly embarrassing that you didn’t want the neighbours to know. Especially when it’s something you said about them.
Most parents I know try not to swear in front of their small people to avoid the mortification of a three year old dropping the f-bomb in the library.
There are two common swearing avoidance methods used by parents:
- Bite tongue really hard and hope you don’t draw blood
- Develop a new swearing vocabulary with words such as ‘fudge’ and ‘oh deary me’
No matter how shiny your perfect parent halo is there are times when swearing is simply unavoidable. Once that expletive has exited your mouth you have two options.
- Deny all knowledge of where your small person heard such foul language
- Blame the small people’s Uncle
Warning: This post contains swearing. Obviously as it’s about swearing!
Here are my top 5 causes of loosing your shit and swearing in front of the children.
1 Stubbing your toe
I do this a lot. Normally at really inconvenient times such as on the way out of the nursery when I’ve just got the little one to sleep. I find it impossible to not have something audible omit from my mouth when I have occurred such an injury and am hopping about the room in agony. Shit shit and holy shit.
2 World Book Day
I am not a ‘crafty’ mum by any stretch of the imagination. And World Book Day presents itself with so many reasons to swear.
- Finding out about World Book Day
- Finding out about World Book Day with 24 hours notice
- Searching e-bay for World Book Day costumes
- Not finding anything suitable and realising you are going to have to ‘fashion’ something yourself
- All those perfect Pintrest mums
- Stabbing yourself 20 times with the needle
- Admiring your finished master piece and realising it’s a contender for a top Pintrest fail. Nailed it. Not.
- Your child refusing to wear the costume it took you hours to make and insisting Batman is an appropriate costume for World Book Day
- The knowledge that you will go through this all again next year
3 The Next Sale
It’s enough to make grown men cry. Why am I up so early? Why is what I want always too high for me to reach? Why do they have every size but the one I want? Why is everyone in here rabid and crazy? And the real question and reason for the swearing, why did I think it would be a good idea to bring the small people? Rookie Mistake. Get out of my bloody way.
A very close contender to the Next sale is shopping for school shoes at the end of August. Here you will be surrounded by red faced, tongue biting parents. Someone is going to loose it, any minute now. Cover the ears of all small people in the vicinity.
Standing on it. The only pain worse is child birth. Why does this always happen when you are carrying a ton of stuff? Or the baby?! Then there is trying to find the missing bits, needle and haystack come to mind. What about when you’ve finished building the master piece and your small person instantly drops it. Or of course there are the Lego wedged up the nose incidents. What about the cost of entry to Lego Land? Lego makes you swear. It should come with a warning or something. “Great for building imaginations and vocabulary of the vulgar nature”
Nothing makes me want to yell Wanker more than someone cutting me up or pulling out in front of me. Not to mention the drivers who have no idea what an indicator is for. Then there are the arse-holes with no kids in the car using all the family spaces. And that’s just what’s going on outside of the car. Inside, “Are we nearly there yet” is on it’s fiftieth rendition, we’ve just hit a traffic jam, and the snacks have run out. F**k!
This list is by no means exhaustive. Other causes of profanity are not limited to; trapping your finger in the high chair straps, being woken by a rogue toy singing in the middle of the night and scaring the crap out of you, being clouted over the head by a plastic toy, and receiving a text from your husband saying he is stuck at the office and can’t get home for bath-time.
Disclaimer: I am not a foul mouthed Mummy. I couldn’t bring myself to type f**k without ** just in case my mum reads this! Although I confess I once shouted “Wanker” really loud at an idiot driver who caused me to do an emergency stop. When the big one asked me what a wanker was, I told him I said “Tanker not Wanker” and proceeded to make up a song along the lines of “Look at that big tanker.” There was no tanker.
What has caused you to have a momentary slip of the tongue in front of the small people?
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