I do enjoy a nice mooch around the shops. But sadly I have learnt from experience that small children and ‘mooching’ do not mix. In fact Mooching and small children have much the same relationship as small children and white carpet. The two should never meet.
So here’s my top 5 reasons why you should shop online. If it’s the House of Fraser sale, you don’t need any more reasons. If you don’t have kids, then go to the shops and enjoy some carefree mooching, but if you see a deranged looking woman with a buggy, step aside and make room for her in the lift.)
1 Online shops don’t keep you waiting.
You won’t have to walk a mile out of your way to the nearest lift, then wait 10 minutes for it to get to you. And when it does, the doors open to reveal a lift full of people with no buggy’s or toddlers, all of whom are avoiding eye contact with you and refusing to squeeze in to make room for your entourage.
I braved a well known store otherwise known as ‘Primarni’ the other day with both my children in tow. I make absolutely no exaggeration when I say we spent 10 minutes going up and down in the lift trying to get to the children’s department. Who in their right mind ordered the floors 0 / 1 / -1 Surely the logical order to that sequence is 1 / 0 / -1. I was beginning to think I was going crazy, I certainly didn’t know if I was going up or down! Give me an online shop with a search bar facility any day.
2 Online shops don’t require you to be a contortionist.
Trying to squeeze a toddler in a buggy, yourself, another child and all the paraphernalia that comes with two kids on a shopping trip a into a changing room, is pretty similar to when you tried to squeeze out those two children in the first place. Then you have a running commentary about your wobbly body parts from your very loud child. You end up a hot sweaty mess before you’ve even tried the clothes on.
Then to top it all off, the mirrors lie to you. They tell you it looks great so you buy it. But then when you return home to your faithful and trusted mirror, it reveals the truth and the glaringly visible muffin top. Now you have to face a return trip to the store, or hang the item in your wardrobe, where it will stay for two-and-a-half years, before you send it to the charity shop with the labels still attached in a cleansing de-clutter.
3 Online shops don’t make you feel old.
If you can’t find what you are looking for you don’t have to wonder around for 20 minutes looking for a shop assistant. Then when you eventually find one, wait whilst he finishes her conversation with another shopping assistant about why Shona should dump Tyler because he shagged Charmaine. And the whole time you are wondering; what happened to good customer service? and that their skirts are really very very short, and what are those eyebrows about? and does it hurt to brush your hair after that much backcombing? and are you old enough to be their actual mother? and worst of all you are actually sounding like your own mother. Online shops are always helpful, and they don’t have piercings and an attitude.
4 Online shops don’t require the use of the eyes in the back of your head.
Your kids are exactly where you planted them, in front of the TV watching a precocious pig in a red dress. And that is where they will stay, until they start demanding snacks. You can actually take your eyes off of them and look at the clothes you are purchasing. In real shops it’s more like a game of Supermarket Sweep circa 1995, where you vaguely grab anything pretty that catches your eye and hope it’s the right size, whilst simultaneously handing the little one snacks in his pushchair and removing all the items hes has
shoplifted grabbed from the shelves, and trying to find the big one who is hiding in an arrangement of maxi dresses somewhere.
5 Online shops don’t cost you a fortune in bribery.
Your bored offspring is teetering on the edge of a full blown meltdown and repeating the same statements and questions over and over again:
How many more shops?
Can I get a toy?
I want to go home.
You have exhausted all forms of engagement and ‘fun’ shopping games, and have resorted to the tried and tested parenting method of bribery. You have bribed them with the promise of TV when they get home, sweets if they are good, you have given into a McDonald’s, and you are dangerously close to the ultimate bribe of a visit to the toy shop. Online shopping is way cheaper.
So there you have it, avoid all the stress and do it online!
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